Posts tagged ‘Facebook ‘

He’s All The Man That I Need

Relationship Status Update

Image by joelaz via Flickr

It’s been a bit since I updated, but I’ve been busy with work and life and such. Sometimes my days and time becomes muddy so I’m lucky to even get a chance to thread together a coherent thought to yell at my kids about their rooms or plan anything, let alone a blog post.

Luckily, that hasn’t stopped me from being in daily communications with “Johnny”. Since he came back into my life, it’s been a complete and total whirlwind that even included some turmoil for a couple of days while I figured out what the heck was really going on.

To be completely truthful, he’s the reason that I got divorced a few years back. Well, not “HIM” per se, but knowing that there was a man out in the world that found it easy to love me and express himself and knowing that there was a man who was capable of being considerate to women, not just concerned with whether or not he was going to get sex, THAT motivated me to get out of my marriage when the main reason that I had stayed for so long was my fear of dating again. Of course, that fear has been validated as every experience I have had, up to now, was precisely the exact reason that I had stayed married for too long. Of course, being divorced, finally, and therefore single, meant that I was (am) available when “HE” finally showed (back) up in my life. This is probably a good time to plug the whole idea of “timing is everything”.

He’s far from “perfect”, but then, again, who isn’t, right? But, he expresses his feeling for me daily and even hourly (if the male chauvinists of the world knew how expressive he is, he’d probably lose his “man-card” for sure), never missing an opportunity to tell me how he feels about me and what his plans are for our future (he wants to marry me).

He adores my kids. For a while now, I have to admit that I sized up many of the men I was meeting based on whether or not I could see them playing with my kids. Many of them eliminated themselves by speaking only in terms of having sex with me and never in terms of spending time with my family, but one or two I simply had to say “no thank you” because I could tell they were not proper parental material.

We do talk about sex, but not in that TMI “what do you like” kind of way but in a way that I find respectful and far less demeaning. It’s more like, “what are we doing on Thursday? Sex? Cool. On Friday, we’ll go hiking.” It’s a far cry from every text or message being about what my favorite position may be or what his is.

Every day we exchange text messages and Facebook messages, all day long and we are on the phone for hours at a time, every evening. I post video messages on my page every morning and every evening and I send him a picture of me via mobile phone, every day.

He passed the “Facebook status update test”. I’m a student and a devourer of all things social networking and media, so it was somewhat important to know how he felt about such things. He jumped at the chance to change our relationship status and make it public. The guys I had met over the past couple of years waffled at the the idea of being connected to me, which to me was a red flag that they were not as serious as they claimed about our relationship. Even though I continued to date them, I kind of knew it wasn’t going to work out because there was always that air of insecurity about our relationship status. It sounds silly, but if you think about it, if a guy is not ready to declare his status and you are, it’s clear that you are not on the same page (even if he’s a nice guy) and so you have to decide whether or not to continue, especially if you are more invested than he is. We all know that, rarely, if ever, works out. I have yet to see a real exception to the rule, but feel free to correct me if it worked out for you (I don’t mind being proven wrong). Manipulation and games don’t count; no offense.

I had a bout with insecurity a few days ago because he seemed to fall off the face of the planet for a couple of days. One day, granted, I should have known better, because he did kind of warn me ahead of time and his “behavior” or lack thereof was definitely uncharacteristic of everything I have known of him for years, but the second day gave me fits because I couldn’t find anything in what he said that gave me any clue as to what happened to him. The fabulous thing is that I was free to vent my insecurity without feeling like I was groveling or begging for forgiveness or his attention and projecting myself as needy, but rather I was able to express my concern that I hadn’t heard from him and that I was worried that he was hurt or something. He explained what happened and reassured me that it was not on purpose and apologized for making me worry to begin with.

We are on the same path, ready for the same relationship, coming to the same fork in the road and ready to make the same turn, right or wrong, together. I am so happy that he waited for me and so glad that he loved me enough to ask me for a chance for us to be together. I’m even looking forward to being his wife, one day.

Now, I’m just waiting for his butt to land in Colorado so we can really get this show on the road…


2 comments March 14, 2011

He Wasn’t The Love Of My Life Or Anything

Two Peas in a Pod

Image by plushoff via Flickr

But, he was a really awesome friend and companion.

We met when both of our situations would have been listed, on Facebook, as “it’s complicated”. I won’t go into ALL the details, but even though we haven’t seen each other in two or three years, he is still very much a part of my daily life and according to him, I am never far from his thoughts, either.

When he was getting out of his complicated situation and separating from the military, I helped him clean out and clear his base housing. In the process I got a lot of household goods that might have cost some serious dough, even at the local Goodwill (which is where I helped him dispose of the things that I could not make use of). I inherited a crock-pot, some blankets and bedspreads, tablecloths, winter gear for the kids, some shelves and including some yarn and crochet needles.

I make use of the crock-pot every other day, when I work and the yarn and crochet needles I used to start my crafting business, all as a direct result of his generosity. The blanket that is currently covering my bed, once belonged to him. He’s everywhere in my life.

At one time, I considered a serious relationship with him but he decided to move back home to Indiana after he got out of the Army. I desperately wanted to ask him to stay in Colorado, but my situation was just as complicated as his was, so I didn’t feel that it was appropriate to ask him to stay.

We have stayed in touch, regularly, since he moved away and since then, both of our situations have cleared up, substantially, but our lives have not settled down. Neither one of us has been able to find a satisfying relationship that even came close to the friendship and closeness that we had. And, we did have quite a bit of fun, together. We both enjoyed singing and karaoke, A LOT. In fact, that is how we met (I used to host two shows on a nearby military post, back in those days and he would come to both shows). Then, one night we met at an alternate karaoke show, struck up conversation and it was like we never stopped talking, daily, for three months until he moved away. We were like two peas in a pod, constantly together at either of our homes. My kids liked him; even my pets.

Never in any of our conversations or exchanges have I ever felt disrespected. He is and has always been a gentleman when dealing with me. Nowadays I meet a man and he’s all about sex. I’m not saying that he isn’t, but it’s more like an afterthought, it’s never the focus of conversation. In every conversation he asks about my children and how they are doing, what are they up to and he listens when I answer him. When we would go out, he was always a gentleman.  I still have pictures of the day he hosted a garage sale and he let my kids set up a kool-aid stand and even though we had few customers that day, he gave the kids $20 for all their “hard work”. He doesn’t have any kids of his own, but he doted on mine and that endeared me to him, as well.

I hadn’t heard from him in a while and then he pops up on my phone texting me. We shoot the breeze for a bit and I think I probably won’t hear from him for a bit, since this was more or less our standard “body check” (to make sure the other was still alive and kicking). I didn’t expect to hear from him for another month or two. But, yesterday he pops up on my Facebook and asks me, “what if…” as in “what if he had stayed in Colorado” and we start going back and forth and reminiscing and he tells me, flat out, that if I told him that he had a chance, he would come back. I called his bluff and told him, flat out, “come to Colorado, I’m willing to try if you are”.

I did try to deter him, coming clean about some things he might not have known about me then that I make sure that everybody knows now and that is a) I’m an atheist (I know that he’s religious) and b) I’m a progressive liberal (I know that his politics actually lean in my same direction). He knew I was polyamorous, but he wants a monogamous relationship. I believe in polyamory, but right now, I’d rather have a loving monogamous relationship than no relationships, at all, because I refuse to budge on that issue. The worst that can happen is that we break up and I go back to being polyamorous (full-time, we might say) or the best that can happen is that we work out and I don’t even miss polyamory at all. Needless to say, he told me that our differences were not a deterrent for him, he wanted to give us a chance.

We talked for two hours, tonight and it wasn’t the typical dancing around each other, but we got straight to the nitty-gritty and what we were looking for and what we wanted; exchanging notes about our crappy dating situations between then and now and how we are going to get on with the business of coming back together and starting a real relationship without “complications” to interfere.

I’m feeling really hopeful about this new development.

Add a comment March 4, 2011

I’d Rather Be Single


I wish I had more time to blog.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really have an audience, yet or because I am still trying to find my voice, but I really miss blogging like I did back in the day.

I don’t have the fire in my belly, anymore, about current events in the news the way I did back then. I do when I speak, publicly to people, but I don’t have the patience to put my thoughts and feelings into a blog post anymore.

It’s probably because my original motivation was my (then) husband and now that I don’t have anybody in my life who gives a crap what I think about current events, I don’t have the need to put my thoughts into a succinct format for all to digest, enjoy, and then share.

Actually, that is the one and only thing I miss about being married. The Ex and I had a shared love for political talk and he often asked my opinion on a multitude of subjects. I began blogging because he spent quite a bit of time overseas or away from home and blogging was a way for me to continue our conversations, even when he wasn’t around. My friends don’t share my same political views nor do they share my level of interest in politics or current events, so I don’t have anyone around to even help me formulate my thoughts or ideas on anything anymore.

It’s a blessing and a curse. I am enjoying my space. I like not having anybody taking up my time or energy. I like not having my blood-pressure raised because of disagreements (of any kind). On the other hand, I miss having someone around to debate with or learn from or to educate. I was naive enough to think that maybe, despite our marriage falling apart, that he and and I would always have that. I have to admit that I was heart-broken when I realized that we would never have another pleasant conversation, of any kind (unless there were witnesses around).

I guess it’s kind of a relief, though, that I don’t feel the desperation that I thought I would feel, this far from my divorce. I had this fear, and I almost fell into this trap, that I would suffer anxiety about being alone and that I would date anything that batted his eyelashes at me. After several failed relationship attempts and having to remind myself that I didn’t get out of a crappy marriage to end up in shitty relationships as a single girl, I finally got the message that I didn’t need the bullshit, even if I really did want a man in my life. It sucks that I had to give up dating, but it would suck worse if I were in a crap relationship out of desperation.

In any case, the further I go being single, the easier the road seems. The things that I thought that would drive me crazy for craving them, have subsided (i.e. sex, foreplay, dating, kissing, cuddling, companionship). Sure, I think about those things and there are fleeting moments where I long for those things, but I have gone from being mentally and emotionally obsessed with having those things to being resolved to be happy without those things.

It’s probably the new job, but I feel as good now as I have in a long time. I used to think that feeling came from being in a romantic relationship, but I am neither intellectually, emotionally, nor romantically involved with anyone, so the feelings that I feel are from love of self rather than love of someone else and that makes me feel a sense of pride and also a sense of ease. Though I would like to have somebody to love, I am proud that I have stood my ground and not settled for less than I deserve in a mate and I am more at ease with being single and alone and the fact that I do not feel lonely, anymore.

I have noted a downside to being this single and that is going to cause a problem for me in the future. I hate driving and I have an extreme fear of driving long distances. I suffer from bouts of anxiety when I have to drive anywhere outside my current city limits. Last year, I actually stayed in a relationship for far too long in order to have someone to drive me to the rendevous point for me to drop off/pick up the kids with The Ex. This year, I don’t anticipate having that problem so my new problem is not just driving with the kids to the drop off point but driving home and back all by myself. The only person I could get to go with me, my oldest son, works on the days that I have off, so he is out. Now I understand what might have motivated The Ex to get married so quickly (he has a bad back and can’t drive for more than a few miles at a time). So, I have to admit that finding a boyfriend or a battle buddy to help me with driving duties, this summer, is kind of weighing heavy on my mind. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t anticipate that I will meet anyone to fill the void, so it’s time for me to start getting my head on straight about driving long distances alone.

Bummer. Story of my life, though. When I act desperate and wear my drama queen hat, I have no trouble finding a man…any man…to rescue me. Since I am determine to find a man on new terms, using my strengths rather than my weaknesses, it has been impossible to meet anyone worth my while and I’m not going to settle just because I need a wing-man for my summer road-trips to/from Kansas.

Truthfully, I am having a blast doing my crochet and my knitting and working my new job and hanging with my kids. It could be worse. I could be single AND unemployed.

I’d rather be single. 😉

Add a comment February 2, 2011

Regular Blogging: Let’s See How Long This Lasts

Starting Gate at Suffolk Downs. East Boston, M...

Image via Wikipedia

There was a time that used to blog, daily. In fact, I actually wrote for four blogs (only one of them was mine). Then, my life got complicated, The Ex stalked me from blog to blog (forcing me to quit and or delete each one) and eventually I just gave up keeping up with any blogs because I got tired of seeing him online whenever I would post something.

The Ex is married now and you would think that he has moved on, but he hasn’t and so blogging regularly is still a gut-wrenching activity. I live in fear that he will show up, even if he says something innocuous, and ruin this new blog for me.  I wish I could believe that I was just being paranoid. But, sometimes he doesn’t comment on my actual blog. I used to hear about my blog from our mutual friends, who didn’t know about the blog (I have purposely kept this blog private from our mutual family and friends), but follow him on Facebook (I do not and I have blocked him and his wife from friending me on Facebook). I used to hear about my blog via (sometimes nasty) emails he would send when he didn’t like something I’d written, even when the readers did not know him.

I think he protests too much. He makes this big deal all over the place, to his friends and family (he still has not actually told ME) about his wonderful new bride, but then spends his time trying to keep track of me. I wonder if his new bride would be all hearts and flowers if she knew how much he obsessed over me. Of course, like I tell my friends who pity me for not being the first to marry out of divorce, “he’s HER problem now, not mine”.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was about to say that, despite all the blog chasing drama of the past year or so, I want to get back into blogging, even if it’s a rambling piece of crap like this blog post that you are (hopefully not) reading right now. I need to get back into practice so that, once again, my blog posts will come out like the snarky and witty repartee that I used to churn out back in the day. I need to stop self-censoring. It is my blog after all and I should feel free to express whatever is on my mind. It’s my bloggy and I’ll whine if I want to, right?

I’ve been down this road before. Let’s see how many blog posts I can go before I toss in the towel, again.

Add a comment January 12, 2011

It’s My Divorce Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

broken chain

Image by Michael W. May via Flickr

I haven’t seriously blogged in a few days because I knew this anniversary was coming up.  I wanted to save what little bit of writing motivation that I had, for this subject.

Today is the first anniversary of my (first? last?) divorce. One year ago, today, I went to court and the judge granted me the divorce that I had wanted for years but didn’t have the courage to follow-thru on until the Army gave The Ex orders to ship off to Podunk, KS (as a recruiter).

I was OK with staying married so long as I had my business and my friends; distractions that kept me from focusing so much on how unhappy I was at home, with him. But, I knew that moving to Small Town, USA, without my friends or my karaoke business to distract me, would turn me into a bitter, miserable woman who would make everyone, including my husband and my children, around me, miserable. So I begged The Ex to file for divorce. To avoid a nasty, contentious battle, he agreed.  We filed pro se (that is, without lawyers…big freaking mistake on my part, but we only had a few months to get divorced before the Army was going to send him away and we certainly didn’t have the money for him to come back and forth until the divorce was finalized and things DID get contentious, BUT in order to keep the peace, I settled for things I should have fought harder for and now the kids and I are suffering financially, but I don’t have the stomach or the money for another long drawn out family court battle, no matter what others might think. My children are still better off than most.) and our divorce was finalized at 11:30am on November 5, 2009.

On that heady day,  I felt that I had the world on a string and wrapped around my finger. I had a great job, so the finances wouldn’t be no big deal. I was single, but “hey, I’m a good-looking gal!”, I just knew that I wouldn’t stay single for long. If that was the first day of the rest of my life, my life is going to be great for my friends and sucky for me.

The first thing that happened is, that very afternoon, I had a lunch date with a gentleman (who turned out to be a future stalker) and on the way to pick him up, I blew a tire.  It took me almost three months to finally get the money to replace it (I am currently a year overdue for an oil change and I still need to replace my other three tires) and that was a gift from my father.

The next kick in the teeth came when my girlfriend met someone that night, who she would date and marry (less than three months after they met, I might add). The guy that I met that night, turned out to be a serial drunkard, so I had to pass on him. Sure, I have dated other men since that night, but nobody even came close to “serious boyfriend” material, much less “husband”.

The next kick in the teeth came when I started getting the run around about work hours, thanks to the holidays falling on the weekend, last year. I suddenly had trouble paying the household bills and I still have not recovered from that downfall, nearly one year later. I have been out of work, permanently, since April and, though, I have found some odd jobs and my oldest child has a job and helps me out a little, I am still struggling to find a real job and make ends meet. Because The Ex pays his child support on time, I do not qualify for state aid (I was turned down for even food stamps). I go to a local food pantry to stretch our food and I scrimp on the bills when money is really tight.  I’m on the internet because we have Vonage and that is how the children communicate with their father. He and I both agreed that cutting off the phone is not an option. We don’t have cable and we don’t go out to eat or go out and do anything fun unless someone else treats. We watch TV via the internet and we borrow movies from the public library.

One last kick in the teeth has been my actually (pathetic) dating life, where I have learned the hard way that, regardless of how I meet a man (at the club, on the internet, or even via friends) and regardless of whether I follow “The Rules” or not, a lot of men are only out for one thing, they will wait as long as it takes to get it, and then they will vanish as soon as they get a taste of it.  If they do not vanish, outright, they will play the passive-aggressive game of “paying for ‘it'” and then disappearing for days or weeks at a time until they “need ‘it'” again. Of course, there are also those who will go through the trouble of asking you out, even if they do want “it”, but they won’t bother canceling that first or second (if you are very, very lucky) date, they just don’t show (some still have the nerve of calling even after having stood you up). We won’t even talk about the ones who are married.

But, the final kick in the teeth, or rather, the head, was finding out (via Facebook) that The Ex had gotten remarried, just a couple weeks shy of the anniversary of our divorce. Trust me, this is not about him. We had an interesting run, but I’ve had enough (12 years) of passive-aggressive head games to last me a lifetime. I do not miss him.  I would be lying, though, if I said that I did not envy him. I wish I had somebody to love. Heck, I’d settle for somebody to like, at this point. Unfortunately, this past year’s dating experience has made me entirely jaded. I can’t really date, anymore, because I don’t trust the men I meet to treat me with any respect, so it’s best if I abstain for a while.

The only “good” thing that has come out of this year is no longer being in an unhappy marriage, losing a significant amount of weight — almost three pants sizes (restricting ones diet to food you can afford –eliminating junk food and soda, first– will do that for you), quitting smoking (because it’s expensive, not because it’s what’s good for me) and learning who my true friends are.

It just sucks that, now, my sex life is non-existent (and I REALLY, REALLY like sex and therefore REALLY, REALLY miss it…silicone and batteries are not cutting it, anymore). I really, really miss having somebody to hold me and to touch me, affectionately. I miss having somebody to talk to about my day; someone to support me, even when I sound paranoid. It’s a very sad, but true, joke that I haven’t had sex since I was 39 years old (I know, I’m only 40, but what good is being a “cougar” if there are not even any old “panthers” to corrupt, let alone “cubs”). I wish I was into the new school of thought that says I can have sex with whomever I want, whenever I want; then I would have no trouble, with my sex life, at least. But, I’m still a bit old-fashioned when it comes to sex. I only feel secure in sleeping with men who I think there is a reasonable chance at a decent relationship. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men out there who will put themselves out as decent only to turn the tables once sex has been delivered.

I haven’t been bitten by the stupidity bug too often, but enough to make me nervous about falling in with the wrong guy(s), ever again.  Sadly, that means being alone and probably for a very, very long time. And that is why I am crying on the anniversary of my much desired divorce. I thought that I would be one of those fabulous women who would be lucky enough to have a fabulous love life after divorce (like my girlfriend who I mentioned earlier, she had a slew of men she was dating even while she was dating the guy who would become her husband). It turns out that I was wrong about that. I’m crying because I have a very bad feeling that I am going to be singing this very same song in 364 days.

I hope not.

I’m bruised but not broken…yet.

Bruised But Not Broken by Joss Stone

Been alot that I’ve been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby
But that ain’t enough to break
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off of my heart

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

Been alot of tear strained nights
I thought the tears were here for life, baby
The hurt came on and held on tight, yeah
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won’t be down on my knees
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll shake the rain out of my heart

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain fill fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
See, I learned love’s so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain fill fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

Add a comment November 5, 2010

Sometimes You Just Gotta Blog…

{1} Starting Life

Image by jimdeane via Flickr

I have gone back and forth over whether or not to blog, whether anyone cared if I blogged, and whether or not anyone cared about what I had to say.

I quit blogging when it felt like I was being stalked by someone I didn’t really want following my blog (yes, I know it’s public, but once this individual found my blog, my voice was necessarily stifled). Because of that, I couldn’t really say what was on my mind, I couldn’t be truthful.

This is actually a third attempt at building a blog apart from my old life and another attempt to reclaim my authentic voice. I made the mistake of linking my blogs with my Facebook account and the individual in question found my blog by snooping on a family member’s account. Yes, my narcissism keeps getting me into trouble.

So, I deleted my old accounts, including my twitter, in an attempt to erase that life, to eliminate the blogger in me. But, I end up ranting at my son and I get that glazed over look. I tried journalling, but it doesn’t have the same effect.

Sometimes, you just gotta blog.  It’s as simple as that.  I really don’t give two shits if people disagree with me on this issue or that and I really don’t care if I have a lot of support for this opinion or that. I just need a way to let out my voice, get my rage on, vent my ass off! I’ve been blogging for a long time, I’m not going to let one insecure person keep me from expressing myself.

If you still wish to hear what I have to say, thank you for stopping by. I hope that we will have a beautiful blog friendship x o ❤

Add a comment October 17, 2010

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