Posts tagged ‘Advice ‘




He’s All The Man That I Need


Relationship Status Update

Image by joelaz via Flickr

It’s been a bit since I updated, but I’ve been busy with work and life and such. Sometimes my days and time becomes muddy so I’m lucky to even get a chance to thread together a coherent thought to yell at my kids about their rooms or plan anything, let alone a blog post.

Luckily, that hasn’t stopped me from being in daily communications with “Johnny”. Since he came back into my life, it’s been a complete and total whirlwind that even included some turmoil for a couple of days while I figured out what the heck was really going on.

To be completely truthful, he’s the reason that I got divorced a few years back. Well, not “HIM” per se, but knowing that there was a man out in the world that found it easy to love me and express himself and knowing that there was a man who was capable of being considerate to women, not just concerned with whether or not he was going to get sex, THAT motivated me to get out of my marriage when the main reason that I had stayed for so long was my fear of dating again. Of course, that fear has been validated as every experience I have had, up to now, was precisely the exact reason that I had stayed married for too long. Of course, being divorced, finally, and therefore single, meant that I was (am) available when “HE” finally showed (back) up in my life. This is probably a good time to plug the whole idea of “timing is everything”.

He’s far from “perfect”, but then, again, who isn’t, right? But, he expresses his feeling for me daily and even hourly (if the male chauvinists of the world knew how expressive he is, he’d probably lose his “man-card” for sure), never missing an opportunity to tell me how he feels about me and what his plans are for our future (he wants to marry me).

He adores my kids. For a while now, I have to admit that I sized up many of the men I was meeting based on whether or not I could see them playing with my kids. Many of them eliminated themselves by speaking only in terms of having sex with me and never in terms of spending time with my family, but one or two I simply had to say “no thank you” because I could tell they were not proper parental material.

We do talk about sex, but not in that TMI “what do you like” kind of way but in a way that I find respectful and far less demeaning. It’s more like, “what are we doing on Thursday? Sex? Cool. On Friday, we’ll go hiking.” It’s a far cry from every text or message being about what my favorite position may be or what his is.

Every day we exchange text messages and Facebook messages, all day long and we are on the phone for hours at a time, every evening. I post video messages on my page every morning and every evening and I send him a picture of me via mobile phone, every day.

He passed the “Facebook status update test”. I’m a student and a devourer of all things social networking and media, so it was somewhat important to know how he felt about such things. He jumped at the chance to change our relationship status and make it public. The guys I had met over the past couple of years waffled at the the idea of being connected to me, which to me was a red flag that they were not as serious as they claimed about our relationship. Even though I continued to date them, I kind of knew it wasn’t going to work out because there was always that air of insecurity about our relationship status. It sounds silly, but if you think about it, if a guy is not ready to declare his status and you are, it’s clear that you are not on the same page (even if he’s a nice guy) and so you have to decide whether or not to continue, especially if you are more invested than he is. We all know that, rarely, if ever, works out. I have yet to see a real exception to the rule, but feel free to correct me if it worked out for you (I don’t mind being proven wrong). Manipulation and games don’t count; no offense.

I had a bout with insecurity a few days ago because he seemed to fall off the face of the planet for a couple of days. One day, granted, I should have known better, because he did kind of warn me ahead of time and his “behavior” or lack thereof was definitely uncharacteristic of everything I have known of him for years, but the second day gave me fits because I couldn’t find anything in what he said that gave me any clue as to what happened to him. The fabulous thing is that I was free to vent my insecurity without feeling like I was groveling or begging for forgiveness or his attention and projecting myself as needy, but rather I was able to express my concern that I hadn’t heard from him and that I was worried that he was hurt or something. He explained what happened and reassured me that it was not on purpose and apologized for making me worry to begin with.

We are on the same path, ready for the same relationship, coming to the same fork in the road and ready to make the same turn, right or wrong, together. I am so happy that he waited for me and so glad that he loved me enough to ask me for a chance for us to be together. I’m even looking forward to being his wife, one day.

Now, I’m just waiting for his butt to land in Colorado so we can really get this show on the road…

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2 comments March 14, 2011

I’d Rather Be Single


.Single.

I wish I had more time to blog.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really have an audience, yet or because I am still trying to find my voice, but I really miss blogging like I did back in the day.

I don’t have the fire in my belly, anymore, about current events in the news the way I did back then. I do when I speak, publicly to people, but I don’t have the patience to put my thoughts and feelings into a blog post anymore.

It’s probably because my original motivation was my (then) husband and now that I don’t have anybody in my life who gives a crap what I think about current events, I don’t have the need to put my thoughts into a succinct format for all to digest, enjoy, and then share.

Actually, that is the one and only thing I miss about being married. The Ex and I had a shared love for political talk and he often asked my opinion on a multitude of subjects. I began blogging because he spent quite a bit of time overseas or away from home and blogging was a way for me to continue our conversations, even when he wasn’t around. My friends don’t share my same political views nor do they share my level of interest in politics or current events, so I don’t have anyone around to even help me formulate my thoughts or ideas on anything anymore.

It’s a blessing and a curse. I am enjoying my space. I like not having anybody taking up my time or energy. I like not having my blood-pressure raised because of disagreements (of any kind). On the other hand, I miss having someone around to debate with or learn from or to educate. I was naive enough to think that maybe, despite our marriage falling apart, that he and and I would always have that. I have to admit that I was heart-broken when I realized that we would never have another pleasant conversation, of any kind (unless there were witnesses around).

I guess it’s kind of a relief, though, that I don’t feel the desperation that I thought I would feel, this far from my divorce. I had this fear, and I almost fell into this trap, that I would suffer anxiety about being alone and that I would date anything that batted his eyelashes at me. After several failed relationship attempts and having to remind myself that I didn’t get out of a crappy marriage to end up in shitty relationships as a single girl, I finally got the message that I didn’t need the bullshit, even if I really did want a man in my life. It sucks that I had to give up dating, but it would suck worse if I were in a crap relationship out of desperation.

In any case, the further I go being single, the easier the road seems. The things that I thought that would drive me crazy for craving them, have subsided (i.e. sex, foreplay, dating, kissing, cuddling, companionship). Sure, I think about those things and there are fleeting moments where I long for those things, but I have gone from being mentally and emotionally obsessed with having those things to being resolved to be happy without those things.

It’s probably the new job, but I feel as good now as I have in a long time. I used to think that feeling came from being in a romantic relationship, but I am neither intellectually, emotionally, nor romantically involved with anyone, so the feelings that I feel are from love of self rather than love of someone else and that makes me feel a sense of pride and also a sense of ease. Though I would like to have somebody to love, I am proud that I have stood my ground and not settled for less than I deserve in a mate and I am more at ease with being single and alone and the fact that I do not feel lonely, anymore.

I have noted a downside to being this single and that is going to cause a problem for me in the future. I hate driving and I have an extreme fear of driving long distances. I suffer from bouts of anxiety when I have to drive anywhere outside my current city limits. Last year, I actually stayed in a relationship for far too long in order to have someone to drive me to the rendevous point for me to drop off/pick up the kids with The Ex. This year, I don’t anticipate having that problem so my new problem is not just driving with the kids to the drop off point but driving home and back all by myself. The only person I could get to go with me, my oldest son, works on the days that I have off, so he is out. Now I understand what might have motivated The Ex to get married so quickly (he has a bad back and can’t drive for more than a few miles at a time). So, I have to admit that finding a boyfriend or a battle buddy to help me with driving duties, this summer, is kind of weighing heavy on my mind. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t anticipate that I will meet anyone to fill the void, so it’s time for me to start getting my head on straight about driving long distances alone.

Bummer. Story of my life, though. When I act desperate and wear my drama queen hat, I have no trouble finding a man…any man…to rescue me. Since I am determine to find a man on new terms, using my strengths rather than my weaknesses, it has been impossible to meet anyone worth my while and I’m not going to settle just because I need a wing-man for my summer road-trips to/from Kansas.

Truthfully, I am having a blast doing my crochet and my knitting and working my new job and hanging with my kids. It could be worse. I could be single AND unemployed.

I’d rather be single. 😉

Add a comment February 2, 2011

Too Much Time On My Hands To Think


Laundry is hung to dry above an Italian street.

Image via Wikipedia

I have always used the task of doing laundry as the place and space in which I think about and work out issues that concern me.

I might fret about my kids or about my (then) husband, or map out a plan for one of my many (semi) successful businesses.

Laundry is a chore many people dread, but I look forward to it. Now that I work at a laundromat and one of my tasks is washing and folding laundry, I have a lot of time on my hands to think.

One thing that occurred to me is that I really do not want to be in a serious relationship, right now.

Despite moaning a few weeks ago about not having a sex life. I realized that the longer I go without it, the less I miss it. I don’t have anyone around me reminding me of that fact, so there is no pressure in my life to “put out” at this time and I’m not looking to “get any” either.

I used to be part of an interracial dating group (black women who endorse the dating of men outside the black community) but there was far too much focus on marriage. I’m down with supporting women who want that, but I’m not down with the idea of marriage myself. Getting bombarded with that message day in and day out was making me agitated, so I disconnected from that group.

I have zero intention of ever getting married, again. I learned my lesson well, the first time. In my thinking time I realized that I really don’t care whether other people can appreciate my thinking on the matter or not (many will encourage me not to let my bad marital experience discourage me from trying it again). The way I see it, dating is a cheap way of finding out if a person is right for you. Marriage is a very expensive way to find out that a person is all wrong for you. The main reason many people marry is for religious reasons. Since I am not religious, marriage is not a personal imperative and since I don’t wish to go through the financial turmoil of another divorce, marriage is off the table (unless it’s for insurance purposes; can’t get health insurance unless married and even THAT is a stretch). But, I am still very open to finding a long-term dating companion who sees the marriage question in the same light as I do.

I get very annoyed at people who try to tell others (particularly, single girls like me) that they MUST do several things in order to catch a mate. Never mind all the advice is superficial and likely things that require expensive upkeep and may not be an option for everyone. Such as suggesting that black women with locs or twists put their hair in a wig to trick attract a man. Or suggesting that she wear make-up, even if she doesn’t normally.

Maybe it’s my 40 years of life or 25 years of dating, but trying to lure attract a man by changing superficial things about you might get you a date, but if you want to keep the man, you’ll have to continue with the games facade if you want to keep him. One thing I have learned, without a doubt, men do not like when you flip the script from the woman they fell for. In fact, the quickest way to turn a man off (besides your tears) is to come off as Ms.Weezy when you’ve been playing Beyonce for awhile.

I’ve tried to pull off Beyonce and I was successful, until I got tired of that role and wanted to be seen for the real woman I am. When I tried to play the “love me or leave me” card, they all left…some trying to come back occasionally trying to play like maybe they did have feelings when it was obvious they were no longer interested since they knew there really was no Beyonce underneath the mask. I realized that, although playing dress up is fun, playing dress up all day every day to keep a man (who turns out, ain’t worth it) can be a lot of work and a lot of times it just ain’t worth it. I’m trying to attract someone real, someone sincere, so it behooves me to be someone real, someone sincere (and save the dress up for very special occasions).

Last night, I even tried to convince myself that maybe I was just fighting against the tide. I went and played dress up with my wigs and was not pleased with the results. The wigs themselves are in excellent condition, but the woman underneath just wasn’t feeling it. I looked great in a couple of them, but as I looked at myself, I knew that I couldn’t take myself seriously. That was a sign to me that I am done with that phase of my life. I spent the rest of the evening working on head-scarf wrapping techniques. Those looks I can work with.

On the other hand, I’m not here to police how or why other people do things, only myself, so if playing dress-up is how you get your kicks, then more power to you. Just stay out of my kool-aid and telling me how to mix it. Thanks.

I am not every woman. I am only me. I may be identified by my skin color, or age, my marital status or my children, but it doesn’t define who I truly am. Truthfully, I don’t need to be defined. This is me. You’re welcome.

That’s enough rambling for one day.

We’ll do this again, soon.

Add a comment January 14, 2011

I Know It’s Not Cool To Say So, But I Hate Being Single


I know, in this modern age of self-esteem and loving yourself more than you love others, it’s supposed to be ultra-progressive if you don’t really care about being in a relationship; that the default is that I’m supposed to be proud of being single and independent.

I call bulls**t.

I got divorced, not because I wanted to be “single and independent”. It was because I was unhappy and I knew that moving to Timbuktu would make me miserable and thus make our life together more miserable than it already was. I used to like my ex as a human being (the divorce and its proceedings changed all that) but, I did not like him as a husband. His passive-aggressive tendencies gave me pause on a daily basis, but I had my friends to escape with when things got bad enough for me to want to throw things. I knew that being stuck in the middle of nowhere with him would make both of our negative tendencies worse than they already were. My sanity and psychological, emotional, and physical safety were more important to me than keeping a marriage together that no longer felt like one, anyway (we were veritable roommates for several months before he got orders to Timbuktu).

It’s been just over a year and one month since my divorce was finalized. The Ex has already moved on and gotten remarried (marriage number 3, for him…I was his 2nd wife). I have not had anything truly resembling a serious relationship since our divorce. Sure, I’ve dated, but nobody I’ve met managed to get beyond booty call status; they weren’t really looking for a girlfriend, just a “friend” with benefits. To add insult to injury, I tried to keep my foot in the dating pool, but then I started meeting men who would ask me out, then stand me up.  I eventually had to pull my foot out of the dating pool because it was f**king with my head.

Just because I’ve stopped “formally” looking; that is, since I’ve taken myself off of online dating sites and stopped going out clubbing (I love dancing, how else to meet a guy who loves my kind of music and who loves to go out dancing, right?), it does not mean that I have given up on finding love.

I really could use someone in my corner who I can curl up with and cry to, someone who will tell me it will be alright and maybe help me by finding productive ways to prove that. It sucks crying myself to sleep every night, after a bad day. I miss having somebody touch me (yes, in “that” way) with sincerity. I miss hearing those three little words and I miss feeling them, too. I miss somebody calling me “theirs”, not out of possession (like The Ex used to do) but out of pride (because he feels like HE’s the lucky one).

I’m happy for all my friends and loved one who have recently become engaged or married. But, it would be nice to be happy for myself, for once.

I’ve been without love in my life for more than a year and that’s almost more depressing than being without a real job for more than a year. Having the double whammy of no job and no love is a very hard pill to swallow on a daily basis. Although, I really do need a job, having someone to love is almost more important to me (almost…I REALLY do need a job). I really hope that I am not forced to go another 365 days without either, especially love.

I know it’s not cool to say so, but I hate being single.

2 comments December 3, 2010

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