Posts filed under: ‘politics‘

I’d Rather Be Single


I wish I had more time to blog.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really have an audience, yet or because I am still trying to find my voice, but I really miss blogging like I did back in the day.

I don’t have the fire in my belly, anymore, about current events in the news the way I did back then. I do when I speak, publicly to people, but I don’t have the patience to put my thoughts and feelings into a blog post anymore.

It’s probably because my original motivation was my (then) husband and now that I don’t have anybody in my life who gives a crap what I think about current events, I don’t have the need to put my thoughts into a succinct format for all to digest, enjoy, and then share.

Actually, that is the one and only thing I miss about being married. The Ex and I had a shared love for political talk and he often asked my opinion on a multitude of subjects. I began blogging because he spent quite a bit of time overseas or away from home and blogging was a way for me to continue our conversations, even when he wasn’t around. My friends don’t share my same political views nor do they share my level of interest in politics or current events, so I don’t have anyone around to even help me formulate my thoughts or ideas on anything anymore.

It’s a blessing and a curse. I am enjoying my space. I like not having anybody taking up my time or energy. I like not having my blood-pressure raised because of disagreements (of any kind). On the other hand, I miss having someone around to debate with or learn from or to educate. I was naive enough to think that maybe, despite our marriage falling apart, that he and and I would always have that. I have to admit that I was heart-broken when I realized that we would never have another pleasant conversation, of any kind (unless there were witnesses around).

I guess it’s kind of a relief, though, that I don’t feel the desperation that I thought I would feel, this far from my divorce. I had this fear, and I almost fell into this trap, that I would suffer anxiety about being alone and that I would date anything that batted his eyelashes at me. After several failed relationship attempts and having to remind myself that I didn’t get out of a crappy marriage to end up in shitty relationships as a single girl, I finally got the message that I didn’t need the bullshit, even if I really did want a man in my life. It sucks that I had to give up dating, but it would suck worse if I were in a crap relationship out of desperation.

In any case, the further I go being single, the easier the road seems. The things that I thought that would drive me crazy for craving them, have subsided (i.e. sex, foreplay, dating, kissing, cuddling, companionship). Sure, I think about those things and there are fleeting moments where I long for those things, but I have gone from being mentally and emotionally obsessed with having those things to being resolved to be happy without those things.

It’s probably the new job, but I feel as good now as I have in a long time. I used to think that feeling came from being in a romantic relationship, but I am neither intellectually, emotionally, nor romantically involved with anyone, so the feelings that I feel are from love of self rather than love of someone else and that makes me feel a sense of pride and also a sense of ease. Though I would like to have somebody to love, I am proud that I have stood my ground and not settled for less than I deserve in a mate and I am more at ease with being single and alone and the fact that I do not feel lonely, anymore.

I have noted a downside to being this single and that is going to cause a problem for me in the future. I hate driving and I have an extreme fear of driving long distances. I suffer from bouts of anxiety when I have to drive anywhere outside my current city limits. Last year, I actually stayed in a relationship for far too long in order to have someone to drive me to the rendevous point for me to drop off/pick up the kids with The Ex. This year, I don’t anticipate having that problem so my new problem is not just driving with the kids to the drop off point but driving home and back all by myself. The only person I could get to go with me, my oldest son, works on the days that I have off, so he is out. Now I understand what might have motivated The Ex to get married so quickly (he has a bad back and can’t drive for more than a few miles at a time). So, I have to admit that finding a boyfriend or a battle buddy to help me with driving duties, this summer, is kind of weighing heavy on my mind. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t anticipate that I will meet anyone to fill the void, so it’s time for me to start getting my head on straight about driving long distances alone.

Bummer. Story of my life, though. When I act desperate and wear my drama queen hat, I have no trouble finding a man…any man…to rescue me. Since I am determine to find a man on new terms, using my strengths rather than my weaknesses, it has been impossible to meet anyone worth my while and I’m not going to settle just because I need a wing-man for my summer road-trips to/from Kansas.

Truthfully, I am having a blast doing my crochet and my knitting and working my new job and hanging with my kids. It could be worse. I could be single AND unemployed.

I’d rather be single. 😉


Add a comment February 2, 2011

Charting A New Course

Drawing a map of Port-au-Prince

Image by digital.democracy via Flickr

It doesn’t really seem to matter how old I get, deep down, I still feel like that starry-eyed teenager I was 21 years ago.

I still fret about my looks, even though there is nothing much that I can do about them.

I still fret about my friends, even though I know that I should let many of them go.

I still fret about my career(s), as that changes almost as often as the cover of your average tabloid.

In this economy, I have found it impossible to find work of any substance. I have submitted hundreds of applications, resumes and have submitted to dozens of job interviews, since December 2009, with not a bit of luck.  Thankfully, child support from the The Ex has kept me and the children off of welfare, but only because the state will not qualify us for food stamps or any other government support due to the child support.  We still live in poverty. The child support barely covers the rent and thanks to being laid off, last April, I have yet to be able to pull in the monies I am supposed to be drawing in order to cover my end of the child support (convoluted CO formula). In any case, I need a job, but can’t find one and so I have and am trying every avenue that I can to make that happen.

Karaoke was the job I had always dreamed about in my youth. I could sing for my supper and still be at home, every night, and be mom to my kids.  But, the divorce and then getting laid off soon after that, took the rug out from under me, particularly since the karaoke business is just as cut-throat as any other show business and if you aren’t first, you are definitely last.  I tried, throughout the summer, to find an in to many of the local bars close to home, but there were no takers.  Attempts to team up with another business, recently, proved to be just as disappointing.

I was kind of beginning to lose hope about how I was going to find a way to make money in this down economy with no skills anybody is interested in, and no job to list that isn’t more than a decade old (daughters, I don’t care what your hubby tells you: if you quit your job to take care of your kids, you will have a very difficult time getting back into the work force without super powers or super friends or super connections. Sadly, I have neither).

I even kind of let myself believe that some knight in shining armor was going to save me (like he said he would). Only, when it came time to cash the check, the knight was nowhere to be found and the check, essentially, bounced. Of course, when the knight needed his armor shined, he had no trouble finding me; but that’s a story for another blog.

So, in the interest of finding something worthwhile, that maybe I can make money at, I decided to try my hand at crochet. It turns out, I’m not too bad. So, I’m starting a new business (using as many free resources as I can) on the internet, connecting with as many family and friends as I can, and trying to get this business going, if only to pay my bills for a few months, but with the intent of actually maintain a thriving and going concern.

I feel just like I did when I started my karaoke business.  It took several months to get off the ground, but once I got it moving, I was making good money. I’m nervous, but confident that I can do the same with my crochet business.

Of course, I’m now fretting about whether or not people will really like my products and fretting about how much money I can actually make.  I know I won’t make out like Martha Stewart, but if I can make out like a successful panhandler (a couple hundred a week or a few hundred a month), then I’ll consider myself a success.

I wish my love life was as hopeful as my newest business venture…

Add a comment November 28, 2010

Monday Blogthings: What Late Night Talk Show Are You?

You Are Nightline

You are a bit of a workaholic. Even when the day is done, you find it difficult to unwind.

Your idea of fun is quite unique. You’re a type A personality who always wants to keep learning. 

You are very concerned with facts and figures. You believe it’s important to keep up with current events.

Some people may call you stodgy or old fashioned, but you think serious matters deserve serious attention.

What Late Night Show Are You?
Blogthings: 100’s of Fun, Free Quizzes and 3 Stupid Ones

Add a comment November 8, 2010

Election Blogthings: How Should You Vote?

You’re an Independent

It’s hard to say how you should vote, because you don’t fit in with either party.

Maybe you’re a libertarian. Or an anarchist. Or a socialist.


No matter where your politics fall, it’s likely that either party is doing it for you.

You vote is up for grabs this election day, as it usually is!

How Should You Vote?
Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

Add a comment November 3, 2010

GOTV: There Are A Lot of A**Holes Running For Office, This Year!


Image by Theresa Thompson via Flickr

Elon James puts it out there…

As if it needed repeating: Get Your Ass To The Polls On Tuesday (if you haven’t already voted)!

Add a comment October 28, 2010

Another Tea Bagger Goes Off The Rails…

Colourful Teabags
Image by JimmyMac210 via Flickr

…And, once again, shows the apparent, inherent Tea Bagger candidate, fear of talking to the media.

Security guards for Alaska senate candidate Joe Miller handcuffed and detained the editor of the online magazine “Alaska Dispatch” on Sunday while he tried to interview the Republican nominee, according to multiple reports.

via Joe Miller Security Guards Handcuff & Detain ‘Alaska Dispatch’ Editor.

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Add a comment October 18, 2010

We Are The Greatest Country In The World…

Eye death
Image by doug88888 via Flickr

Well, except for the fact that, when it comes to life expectancy, not so much…

The United States currently ranks 49th in the world in overall life expectancy, according to a study published in the academic journal Health Affairs, slipping dramatically during the last decade.

via US slips to 49th in life expectancy: study | Raw Story.

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Add a comment October 18, 2010

Early Voting

Voting ballot.

Image via Wikipedia

I got my mail-in ballot the other day. I haven’t filled it out, yet. But, daily (including, today, a Sunday) I am being inundated with campaign phone calls for issues and candidates.

I am unimpressed with these calls. In fact, many of them go to voice-mail if my Caller ID does not tell me specifically who is calling. If I inadvertently accept a call, I usually beg off the phone ASAP.

We won’t even discuss the trees that have been sacrificed for the numerous campaign flyers and other campaign crap that arrive, daily, in the mail or on my doorstep. I won’t even talk about the poor saps that are forced to go door to door to stump for their candidate, I beg those poor suckers off, too.

I make no apologies for being curt with these people. They are wasting their time trying to get my attention and thus my vote. I’m probably better informed than many other voters and thus, my mind is already made up before the little blue book (with debate on local ballot issues) shows up in my mailbox. I already know how I’m going to vote, I’ve just been waiting on my ballot to arrive.

But, if I WERE having trouble deciding whom to vote for, after his appearance, this morning, on Meet The Press, I am definitely NOT voting for this ASSHOLE! Of course, it’s bad enough that he’s a Tea Bagger, but the fact that he’s a fucking idiot is just the icing on the cake. Don’t we have enough fucking idiots in political office?

I’m jus’ sayin’…

Add a comment October 18, 2010

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