Posts filed under: ‘fun‘




Seriously Looking and Not Taking Myself Too Seriously


I mean, really, even I’m willing to admit that the minute some guy with nice arms and a genuine smile comes prancing in, even if my instinct tells me that he’s unavailable, I’m still gonna swoon. I’m still gonna imagine what it might be like to take him home and turn him into Baskins-Robbins.

Or maybe I’ll actually date the guy and I’ll be head over heels for about three months and then something will happen, the spark will die and/or he’ll just suddenly not text or call. Or he’ll be more into me than I am into him and I’ll have to literally file charges to get him to keep his distance.

Or maybe he’ll turn out to be gay and we’ll become BFFs and still never find “the one” while passing the time and commiserating over lemon meringue martinis on a warm summer night. (This one I wouldn’t mind, especially since I love lemon meringue martinis to death).

I recently read a quote somewhere that Taylor Swift ruined dating for the author because she set up all these unachievable examples of how to find true love (also noting that Ms. Swift is single, these days, as well). I admit that Taylor Swifts songs are so saccharine (albeit catchy) that they make me roll my eyes when I hear them. On the other hand, Britney Spears’ songs are catchy too and sexy, but they are also the extreme on the musical relationship dial; that is to say, that neither of their songs convey how actual relationships happen, but rather they convey (like all fiction should) the fantasy of how things could happen. Or, like I tell my kids, “these songs are fun to listen to, but they are not road maps, kids…”

The same goes for romantic comedies. There are far too many people that I run into (married and single), who believe that their love life will somehow work out like a romantic comedy. I realized that this was utter b.s. when I discovered that the wacky foibles that happen in real life are not as easy (or even cheap) to fix as they are in a 90 minute flick. Granted, I wish some things were possible, but trouble looks good on Justin Bateman because he’s a highly paid actor and I am never going to be able to do that “one thing” that Jennifer Aniston did in that movie because, well, you will never be able to pay me enough.

Seriously, I’m not looking for Prince Charming. I mean, really, when I see that visual, I think Prince Charles and his big ears and big nose and I’m totally turned off.

I’ll settle for a normal, every day, guy next door who might be a little wacky sometimes, but lives in the here and now and someone whom I can take seriously.

Besides, I would be lying if I said that I was SUCH an awesome catch that you need never worry about finding love with another…

Excuse me while I catch my breath from laughing so hard.

I wish I was THAT good. But, I’m just a woman that wants to be loved for who she is, warts and all. I very much desire for someone else to take me seriously enough to want to get to know my heart and mind, not just my body.

In the meantime, I’ll keep my wits and my sense of humor about me because if you can’t laugh, the other alternatives are tears or anger and this face is too pretty for all that drama.

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Add a comment February 25, 2011

Diva Day: Learning To Enjoy Being Alone


This morning, I took a hot bubble bath and for lunch, I took myself out to Starbucks for a red velvet cupcake and a white chocolate mocha. It’s a weekly tradition that I have tried to participate in for 20 years.

I call it a “Diva Day”, now, but 20 years ago I used to call it a “Bitch Day” because I used to claim that day as an opportunity to say “no” where I might usually say “yes”. If I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t. Eventually, people who knew me knew not to ask unless it was the day before or the day after.

It’s not a huge deal, but it’s kind of a mental health day; an opportunity for me to get out around other adults. I don’t have to wait for a special date or any other special occasion; it’s Monday, Diva Day. It’s one way that I have learned to appreciate being single and being alone, even if others around me are coupled up. On Diva Day the point is NOT to share; the point is to relish the solitude and not having to explain the why or the how of anything.

Diva Day is a way to remind myself of why being single can be a lot of fun, such as not having to share my cake or rush to finish mine because I’m on somebody else’s schedule. I can go and sit and purposefully enjoy the swirled whipped icing, either using my fingertips or my tongue. I can catch the crumbs from the cake in my hands and pop them in my mouth or lick the palm of my hand like a youngster might do. I can get as big a coffee as I want or as many cupcakes as I fancy without concern, because I’m paying my own way so I can get exactly what I want without having to weigh out the possible “expectations”. It doesn’t matter where I sit or how I sit, I’m not sending out any kind of mixed signals except maybe “I wish I could sit in a comfy chair instead of this lame wooden one”. An added bonus is that 85% of other people there are also there alone, so nobody questions why I’m by myself. Of course, they may be pissed that I took one of the comfy seats, but hey, “you snooze, you lose…”

Sometimes a Diva Day takes me to the movies or to a restaurant, rather than a coffee and cupcake.

Each Diva Day that I actively participate in (since I sometimes get side-tracked by work, weather, or life, in general), is more empowering because it acts as a reminder that I do not have to be with someone else to enjoy myself; my happiness in “this moment” (or that one) does not need to rely on the presence of an “other” (significant or otherwise).

I enjoy my alone time, immensely. I’ve never really been the kind of woman that needed a guy in my stratosphere at all times, anyway. I’m more than happy to let the man/men in my life have all the space they needed (so long as we both still made time for the relationship/s).

Diva Day is still important, even when I’m in a positive, long-term relationship. Granted, I let it slide when I got married and had babies and finding time for myself was more about grabbing a moment than grabbing an afternoon. Now, thankfully, my kids are old enough to watch out for themselves for a few hours while I take myself out on my weekly jaunt.

Whether you call it “me time” or “a personal day” or “bitch day” or even, Diva Day, I highly recommend taking yourself out as part of a good mental health regimen, whether you are single or not.

Add a comment February 22, 2011

Where Do You Get Your Energy From?



You Get Your Energy From Goals


You are a driven and results oriented person. You always have an end goal in sight.

You bring a lot of purpose and meaning to your life. For you, small decisions and actions matter.

You feel like you are on an important mission, and you do your best not to lose focus.

For you, nothing feels better than accomplishment. You love being productive.

Where Do You Get Your Energy From?
Blogthings: We’re Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Add a comment February 21, 2011

I’d Rather Be Single


.Single.

I wish I had more time to blog.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really have an audience, yet or because I am still trying to find my voice, but I really miss blogging like I did back in the day.

I don’t have the fire in my belly, anymore, about current events in the news the way I did back then. I do when I speak, publicly to people, but I don’t have the patience to put my thoughts and feelings into a blog post anymore.

It’s probably because my original motivation was my (then) husband and now that I don’t have anybody in my life who gives a crap what I think about current events, I don’t have the need to put my thoughts into a succinct format for all to digest, enjoy, and then share.

Actually, that is the one and only thing I miss about being married. The Ex and I had a shared love for political talk and he often asked my opinion on a multitude of subjects. I began blogging because he spent quite a bit of time overseas or away from home and blogging was a way for me to continue our conversations, even when he wasn’t around. My friends don’t share my same political views nor do they share my level of interest in politics or current events, so I don’t have anyone around to even help me formulate my thoughts or ideas on anything anymore.

It’s a blessing and a curse. I am enjoying my space. I like not having anybody taking up my time or energy. I like not having my blood-pressure raised because of disagreements (of any kind). On the other hand, I miss having someone around to debate with or learn from or to educate. I was naive enough to think that maybe, despite our marriage falling apart, that he and and I would always have that. I have to admit that I was heart-broken when I realized that we would never have another pleasant conversation, of any kind (unless there were witnesses around).

I guess it’s kind of a relief, though, that I don’t feel the desperation that I thought I would feel, this far from my divorce. I had this fear, and I almost fell into this trap, that I would suffer anxiety about being alone and that I would date anything that batted his eyelashes at me. After several failed relationship attempts and having to remind myself that I didn’t get out of a crappy marriage to end up in shitty relationships as a single girl, I finally got the message that I didn’t need the bullshit, even if I really did want a man in my life. It sucks that I had to give up dating, but it would suck worse if I were in a crap relationship out of desperation.

In any case, the further I go being single, the easier the road seems. The things that I thought that would drive me crazy for craving them, have subsided (i.e. sex, foreplay, dating, kissing, cuddling, companionship). Sure, I think about those things and there are fleeting moments where I long for those things, but I have gone from being mentally and emotionally obsessed with having those things to being resolved to be happy without those things.

It’s probably the new job, but I feel as good now as I have in a long time. I used to think that feeling came from being in a romantic relationship, but I am neither intellectually, emotionally, nor romantically involved with anyone, so the feelings that I feel are from love of self rather than love of someone else and that makes me feel a sense of pride and also a sense of ease. Though I would like to have somebody to love, I am proud that I have stood my ground and not settled for less than I deserve in a mate and I am more at ease with being single and alone and the fact that I do not feel lonely, anymore.

I have noted a downside to being this single and that is going to cause a problem for me in the future. I hate driving and I have an extreme fear of driving long distances. I suffer from bouts of anxiety when I have to drive anywhere outside my current city limits. Last year, I actually stayed in a relationship for far too long in order to have someone to drive me to the rendevous point for me to drop off/pick up the kids with The Ex. This year, I don’t anticipate having that problem so my new problem is not just driving with the kids to the drop off point but driving home and back all by myself. The only person I could get to go with me, my oldest son, works on the days that I have off, so he is out. Now I understand what might have motivated The Ex to get married so quickly (he has a bad back and can’t drive for more than a few miles at a time). So, I have to admit that finding a boyfriend or a battle buddy to help me with driving duties, this summer, is kind of weighing heavy on my mind. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t anticipate that I will meet anyone to fill the void, so it’s time for me to start getting my head on straight about driving long distances alone.

Bummer. Story of my life, though. When I act desperate and wear my drama queen hat, I have no trouble finding a man…any man…to rescue me. Since I am determine to find a man on new terms, using my strengths rather than my weaknesses, it has been impossible to meet anyone worth my while and I’m not going to settle just because I need a wing-man for my summer road-trips to/from Kansas.

Truthfully, I am having a blast doing my crochet and my knitting and working my new job and hanging with my kids. It could be worse. I could be single AND unemployed.

I’d rather be single. 😉

Add a comment February 2, 2011

Are You Confident?



You Are Completely Confident


You’re a total superstar – and you know it. You aren’t afraid to love yourself.

You have the guts to be who you are. You believe that you are important and special. 

You have plenty of reasons to be confident. And you’re always working to be a better person.

You have many passions and talents. You truly appreciate and love your life.

Are You Confident?
The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don’t Talk About Blogthings

Add a comment January 26, 2011

Happily Single and Still Fabulous


if it werent for carbon14 i wouldnt date

Image by tantek via Flickr

I think I have found the edge to this blog: Single and Loving it (or something to that end)

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had sex in a while and I haven’t met a single man worth giving the time of day to, much less the goodies to, but I am actually enjoying being single.

For a while I was motivated by the idea that “they” say, as a single mother (particularly as a black single mother) my motivation should be to find a husband. Even though I had decided nuptials were out the question, I wasn’t against finding a good man to shack up with in a marriage-simulation or common law marriage. But, after so many dating and hook-up fails, trying to find “the one” is no longer worth the effort (or the embarrassment or the frustration).

For a while I was motivated by the idea that I may never have sex again. I enjoy sex. A lot, when I’m having it. But, I got bored of the “hit it and quit it” mentality of so many men that I keep meeting. It was depressing, actually. Truthfully, I learned the hard way, that was all they were looking for, when they disappeared (for good) the next morning (and that’s if they stayed that long). I might add that it didn’t matter whether sex happened on the first date or on the 5th. I eventually decided that sex was off the table, even for discussion, in the early days of dating and soon, my phone stopped ringing and in fact, hasn’t rung for several months, with the exception of a few idiots who weren’t sure they read the memo correctly.

Basically, I practice my own version of “no wedding no womb” with less emphasis on the “wedding” part (THAT is NEVER going to happen for me again) and most emphasis on the “womb” part. Of course, technically speaking, I am done having babies (five pregnancies was enough, thanks), but for me the “the womb” is actually my vajayjay. So my actual motto, as it pertains to dating and sex is, “No Commitment, No Vajayjay” or (NCNV, if you will). I will have to date a guy for a long time and see that he is committed to a serious relationship with me (without the benefit of sex) before he will get the goods.

Which is why I am single now. I keep refusing to put out, even when the guy is someone I have been hot for for a long time. That, and the fact that lately EVERY single guy (I wish I was exaggerating) that I have met, who has asked me out (either via my online dating profile or in person) has been married. I’ve said this before, because I’m polyamorous, that should not technically be a deal-breaker, all by itself. But it is if their spouse is not polyamorous … oh and I want to meet the Mrs. to be sure all parties are on the same page. I’ve had many of these men say, what I do is my business and then I remind them that a) if their spouse shows up on my doorstep, then it becomes everybody’s business (no thank you) and b) I don’t sneak around with anybody and if you have to be on the down-low, then go find yourself a down-low woman and c) I want someone to come home to me, I’m not interested in competing with somebody else’s wife, I want to be somebody’s somebody.

On another note, I date the rainbeau and I gotta tell you, I have met jerks of many stripes, races, and cultures. It makes me wonder what the hell is in the water these days. If a guy is single, he seems to think that women should just appreciate the fact he wants to f&ck her (gee, thanks). If a guy is married, he actually feels the same way. What the hell?

Thinking of all this and then thinking of my wonderful new job and my wonderful new hobby, I realized that I actually enjoy being single.

I got hit on twice, this week. Both married men. I should have been flattered, but realized that I was fed up with meeting men that were not emotionally or physically available hitting on me and implying, with their flirting, that I should be grateful for their attention. I was approached by one single man, but he is not mentally stable and he is homeless; not in any way a suitable match for me. Plus, some guy that my mother tried to set me up with was calling me and using a stern tone of voice to try to get me to call him back; like Walter Cronkite calling and telling me that I would be missing out on a good thing (him) if I didn’t call him back, soon. I hope you aren’t surprised to learn that I deleted the message and did not call. I certainly don’t appreciate being bossed and I really don’t appreciate being bossed by someone who assumes that just because he’s got Mom’s seal of approval that I “have to” listen to him (no thanks, I’ll pass. NEXT!).

We’ll talk about how I don’t trust my mother or her tastes, another day. This same woman tried to pimp me out when I was 16…(yeah, a very long story for another day).

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

It actually got me thinking about actually telling men that I meet that I am no longer dating. Period. End of story.

I really enjoy being single. I thought that I would crave and miss the sex and that I might find temptation every time I met a man I was attracted to. But, seriously, I don’t crave nor miss it. Since I’m focused on finding a commitment, when I meet a man, I listen to and watch him very closely before I even get to the part where I am undressing him with my thoughts. The minute he makes some sort of sexual innuendo type comment, he’s completely off of my radar because I know right then and there, the only thing on his mind is something that is not even on the menu. Since I can’t offer him the appetizer he seems to be requesting, I find a gentle way to shoot him down and then move on.

I thought that I would miss being around a man and having his attention. But, truthfully, not having a man around means that I have more time for my knitting and crocheting; my new favorite time-consuming hobby. It also means that I get to go to bed when I feel like it. I can go to bed early without it implying I’m ready for sexy-time or I can stay up late playing games or doing my crafty-time without it implying that I don’t want to be touched. My time is my own and I don’t have to drop everything because “he needs” right now. The only needs that matter are mine and my children and when the kids are not around, I have a lot more time for the things that I enjoy.

I have always been able to find my happiness or at least feel comfortable in my own skin. But, these days, I swear that I feel as happy now as I have ever felt being in a relationship. I do not miss being in a relationship, I honestly could take it or leave it. I would much rather be this happy and alone than trying to make a relationship work (note the operative word being “work”…as a mother and as an entrepreneur, I have enough of that, in spades. It’s time for me to relax and enjoy what’s left of my youth, now).

Yes, I’m jaded, but that’s actually a good thing. It’s helped me be more cautious about the relationships that I do get into and it’s helped me avoid drama over the past 6+ months.

Yes, all my fabulous friends are married, but I’m happily single and STILL fabulous and honestly not looking to change a damned thing (either the single part or the fabulous part)!

Add a comment January 26, 2011

What Madonna Song Are You?



You Are Ray of Light


You are optimistic and hopeful. You can’t help but see the light in every situation.

You are able to see things from a more spiritual viewpoint. You have the gift of perspective.

 

You respect the cycle of life. You know that you will experience both joy and pain.

You try to realize that you are just a small part of something infinite.

What Madonna Song Are You?
Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

Add a comment January 25, 2011

Take The Three Factor Emotions Test



You Are Very Emotionally Savvy


You listen to your emotions and always check in with them. You believe they are important.

When it comes to making decisions, you listen to how you are feeling. Your emotions provide valuable clues.

 

Your emotions are always immediately clear to you. You always know what you are feeling.

You are able to feel what you need to feel without having it impact your life.

You know how to keep your negative emotions in check and under wraps.

You are able to get out of a funk simply by thinking positive thoughts.

The Three Factor Emotions Test
Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Add a comment January 21, 2011

Thursday Blogthings: Are You Living The Wrong Life?



Your Life is 57% Off Track


Right now, you’re taking things one day at a time.

Some things are going well, but you can’t help but wonder if you’re getting the most out of life.

It’s time for you to slow down and reflect a little. You can change your life – but it’s up to you!

Are You Living The Wrong Life?
Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Add a comment December 30, 2010

Monday BlogThings: Take The Four Factor Self-Actualization Test



You Are Very Self Actualized


Your awareness is high. You notice everything – you are extremely detail oriented.
 

 

Your honesty is medium. You’re somewhat open, but there are a few secrets you keep to yourself.

Your freedom is high. You need to be completely independent and free to do whatever you feel like.

Your trust is high. You trust other people easily, and more importantly, you trust yourself.

The Four Factor Self-Actualization Test
Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

Add a comment December 28, 2010

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