Posts filed under: ‘divorce‘




On Interracial Marriage & Why I Chose To Skip The Rainbeau This Time


Over the Rainbow (2010 TV series)

Image via Wikipedia

My future husband and I have a lot in common. We are both musicians. We both love classic R&B music. We both love Brian McKnight. We both have an affinity for country music. We both look at the world as “glass half-full”. We have both faced adversity, recently, and overcome it with a more positive self-esteem for all that we have accomplished.

And, our first marriages were interracial. They were also pretty nasty experiences. Experiences that we would rather not repeat, regardless of the race or background of our loved ones.

I did not marry my first husband because of his race, I married him because we met and I fell in love with him. But, our marriage turned into a horrible mess and it had to be ended.

I have dated just about every flavor in the rainbeau. I tried to commit to the idea of getting out of the “nothing but a black man” mentality that many black women abide by and embraced wholeheartedly the idea that dating a man of another race and/or culture would be best.

I still support that general idea. But, in dating the rainbeau in the past two years I have learned (sometimes the hard way) that it’s the man’s character, not his race, that determines whether or not he is worthy of my affections. My first husband and several of the men I dated in the past have proved that race is no better predictor of character than religious faith.

I know there are rainbeau advocates out there that promote the “nothing but white man or (add race or culture of your own taste)”, but I can’t abide that mantra, any longer; and not just because I am getting married to a black man. I’ve searched the dating barrel for decades and found a lot of rotten apples of every color and taste. Just like I gave up the practice of polyamory (yes, my husband to be knows all about that part of my life), I have given up on the philosophy that the only man for me is anyone besides a black man.

J.P., my fiance’ and I have even discussed this, especially in light of the fact that I have rainbeau children; two kids by my first husband. We joke about how, since he fancies himself a singing cowboy, that he is probably the whitest black person that I know, so, in a way, he’s exactly what I was seeking, except, well, he’s not.

The things that matter most, he’s got in spades. His race nor my sexual preferences are a high enough priority to be deal breakers in our relationship. We enjoy the same foods, movies, and general activities. He loves my kids and they love him. We talk for hours, daily. He sends me love notes via text or email or on my Facebook wall. He’s amazing. He’s very respectful of me; even more respectful than my first husband ever was, even when times were great.

I love him. Even if he were purple with white polka-dots, I really made the right decision and I’m so lucky that he chose me to be his wife.

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Add a comment March 30, 2011

He’s All The Man That I Need


Relationship Status Update

Image by joelaz via Flickr

It’s been a bit since I updated, but I’ve been busy with work and life and such. Sometimes my days and time becomes muddy so I’m lucky to even get a chance to thread together a coherent thought to yell at my kids about their rooms or plan anything, let alone a blog post.

Luckily, that hasn’t stopped me from being in daily communications with “Johnny”. Since he came back into my life, it’s been a complete and total whirlwind that even included some turmoil for a couple of days while I figured out what the heck was really going on.

To be completely truthful, he’s the reason that I got divorced a few years back. Well, not “HIM” per se, but knowing that there was a man out in the world that found it easy to love me and express himself and knowing that there was a man who was capable of being considerate to women, not just concerned with whether or not he was going to get sex, THAT motivated me to get out of my marriage when the main reason that I had stayed for so long was my fear of dating again. Of course, that fear has been validated as every experience I have had, up to now, was precisely the exact reason that I had stayed married for too long. Of course, being divorced, finally, and therefore single, meant that I was (am) available when “HE” finally showed (back) up in my life. This is probably a good time to plug the whole idea of “timing is everything”.

He’s far from “perfect”, but then, again, who isn’t, right? But, he expresses his feeling for me daily and even hourly (if the male chauvinists of the world knew how expressive he is, he’d probably lose his “man-card” for sure), never missing an opportunity to tell me how he feels about me and what his plans are for our future (he wants to marry me).

He adores my kids. For a while now, I have to admit that I sized up many of the men I was meeting based on whether or not I could see them playing with my kids. Many of them eliminated themselves by speaking only in terms of having sex with me and never in terms of spending time with my family, but one or two I simply had to say “no thank you” because I could tell they were not proper parental material.

We do talk about sex, but not in that TMI “what do you like” kind of way but in a way that I find respectful and far less demeaning. It’s more like, “what are we doing on Thursday? Sex? Cool. On Friday, we’ll go hiking.” It’s a far cry from every text or message being about what my favorite position may be or what his is.

Every day we exchange text messages and Facebook messages, all day long and we are on the phone for hours at a time, every evening. I post video messages on my page every morning and every evening and I send him a picture of me via mobile phone, every day.

He passed the “Facebook status update test”. I’m a student and a devourer of all things social networking and media, so it was somewhat important to know how he felt about such things. He jumped at the chance to change our relationship status and make it public. The guys I had met over the past couple of years waffled at the the idea of being connected to me, which to me was a red flag that they were not as serious as they claimed about our relationship. Even though I continued to date them, I kind of knew it wasn’t going to work out because there was always that air of insecurity about our relationship status. It sounds silly, but if you think about it, if a guy is not ready to declare his status and you are, it’s clear that you are not on the same page (even if he’s a nice guy) and so you have to decide whether or not to continue, especially if you are more invested than he is. We all know that, rarely, if ever, works out. I have yet to see a real exception to the rule, but feel free to correct me if it worked out for you (I don’t mind being proven wrong). Manipulation and games don’t count; no offense.

I had a bout with insecurity a few days ago because he seemed to fall off the face of the planet for a couple of days. One day, granted, I should have known better, because he did kind of warn me ahead of time and his “behavior” or lack thereof was definitely uncharacteristic of everything I have known of him for years, but the second day gave me fits because I couldn’t find anything in what he said that gave me any clue as to what happened to him. The fabulous thing is that I was free to vent my insecurity without feeling like I was groveling or begging for forgiveness or his attention and projecting myself as needy, but rather I was able to express my concern that I hadn’t heard from him and that I was worried that he was hurt or something. He explained what happened and reassured me that it was not on purpose and apologized for making me worry to begin with.

We are on the same path, ready for the same relationship, coming to the same fork in the road and ready to make the same turn, right or wrong, together. I am so happy that he waited for me and so glad that he loved me enough to ask me for a chance for us to be together. I’m even looking forward to being his wife, one day.

Now, I’m just waiting for his butt to land in Colorado so we can really get this show on the road…

2 comments March 14, 2011

He Wasn’t The Love Of My Life Or Anything


Two Peas in a Pod

Image by plushoff via Flickr

But, he was a really awesome friend and companion.

We met when both of our situations would have been listed, on Facebook, as “it’s complicated”. I won’t go into ALL the details, but even though we haven’t seen each other in two or three years, he is still very much a part of my daily life and according to him, I am never far from his thoughts, either.

When he was getting out of his complicated situation and separating from the military, I helped him clean out and clear his base housing. In the process I got a lot of household goods that might have cost some serious dough, even at the local Goodwill (which is where I helped him dispose of the things that I could not make use of). I inherited a crock-pot, some blankets and bedspreads, tablecloths, winter gear for the kids, some shelves and including some yarn and crochet needles.

I make use of the crock-pot every other day, when I work and the yarn and crochet needles I used to start my crafting business, all as a direct result of his generosity. The blanket that is currently covering my bed, once belonged to him. He’s everywhere in my life.

At one time, I considered a serious relationship with him but he decided to move back home to Indiana after he got out of the Army. I desperately wanted to ask him to stay in Colorado, but my situation was just as complicated as his was, so I didn’t feel that it was appropriate to ask him to stay.

We have stayed in touch, regularly, since he moved away and since then, both of our situations have cleared up, substantially, but our lives have not settled down. Neither one of us has been able to find a satisfying relationship that even came close to the friendship and closeness that we had. And, we did have quite a bit of fun, together. We both enjoyed singing and karaoke, A LOT. In fact, that is how we met (I used to host two shows on a nearby military post, back in those days and he would come to both shows). Then, one night we met at an alternate karaoke show, struck up conversation and it was like we never stopped talking, daily, for three months until he moved away. We were like two peas in a pod, constantly together at either of our homes. My kids liked him; even my pets.

Never in any of our conversations or exchanges have I ever felt disrespected. He is and has always been a gentleman when dealing with me. Nowadays I meet a man and he’s all about sex. I’m not saying that he isn’t, but it’s more like an afterthought, it’s never the focus of conversation. In every conversation he asks about my children and how they are doing, what are they up to and he listens when I answer him. When we would go out, he was always a gentleman.  I still have pictures of the day he hosted a garage sale and he let my kids set up a kool-aid stand and even though we had few customers that day, he gave the kids $20 for all their “hard work”. He doesn’t have any kids of his own, but he doted on mine and that endeared me to him, as well.

I hadn’t heard from him in a while and then he pops up on my phone texting me. We shoot the breeze for a bit and I think I probably won’t hear from him for a bit, since this was more or less our standard “body check” (to make sure the other was still alive and kicking). I didn’t expect to hear from him for another month or two. But, yesterday he pops up on my Facebook and asks me, “what if…” as in “what if he had stayed in Colorado” and we start going back and forth and reminiscing and he tells me, flat out, that if I told him that he had a chance, he would come back. I called his bluff and told him, flat out, “come to Colorado, I’m willing to try if you are”.

I did try to deter him, coming clean about some things he might not have known about me then that I make sure that everybody knows now and that is a) I’m an atheist (I know that he’s religious) and b) I’m a progressive liberal (I know that his politics actually lean in my same direction). He knew I was polyamorous, but he wants a monogamous relationship. I believe in polyamory, but right now, I’d rather have a loving monogamous relationship than no relationships, at all, because I refuse to budge on that issue. The worst that can happen is that we break up and I go back to being polyamorous (full-time, we might say) or the best that can happen is that we work out and I don’t even miss polyamory at all. Needless to say, he told me that our differences were not a deterrent for him, he wanted to give us a chance.

We talked for two hours, tonight and it wasn’t the typical dancing around each other, but we got straight to the nitty-gritty and what we were looking for and what we wanted; exchanging notes about our crappy dating situations between then and now and how we are going to get on with the business of coming back together and starting a real relationship without “complications” to interfere.

I’m feeling really hopeful about this new development.

Add a comment March 4, 2011

Open & Shut: Things I’m Open To or Not


Today’s topic: Deal-breakers and things I’m open to.

(Disclaimer: Your mileage may vary)

For instance, I’m polyamorous, so I’m open to my partner(s) having sex outside the relationship. But, a deal-breaker would be my partner(s) lying to me about having sex outside the relationship. It’s the lying not the sex that is the deal-breaker.

Unless we are married or in a long-term committed relationship (that will likely lead to marriage or a reasonable facsimile), unprotected sex is a deal-breaker. Finding out that my potential partner or even a current partner has or has recently contracted an STD is not a deal-breaker unless it involves something already previously mentioned as a deal-breaker.

I have a great sense of humor, but some jokes are unacceptable to me, including racist or sexist jokes, jokes about handicapped people, fat people or gay people. I don’t care how many people you are buddies with that fit the above descriptions, share them with your buddies, not me.

Ending up as “Friends with Benefits” is not necessarily a deal-breaker, so long as we both agree at the beginning of the relationship that is the label we are ready to wear. But, I’ve got to admit if the relationship is heavier on the “benefits” than it is on the “friends” side, then that is a deal-breaker.

Labels are important to me, in order to help me determine what kind of relationship I am involved in. Having an aversion to naming the relationship (be it “friends with benefit” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”, for instance), is a deal-breaker.

A guy considered overweight and possibly obese, according to the latest BMI standards, is just fine with me. Jerks, regardless of size, are a deal-breaker.

I am hardly ever late and I appreciate when my partner shows up within 15 minutes of our planned meeting time. Showing up an hour later or not at all (without calling ahead) is a deal-breaker. Granted, if you are holed up in the hospital, in traction or in a coma, you won’t be calling me anytime soon, anyway. I can call this on a case by case basis, and then follow a three-strikes rule. After the 3rd late/missed date, total deal-breaker.

Being open and talkative about past or current relationships and baggage is not a deal-breaker. But, referring to your ex (or any woman) as “that bi&^h, that ho, that c*&t, or that tramp” (even if you have several pieces of documented evidence to prove it) is a total deal-breaker. In my book, if you are harboring so much anger that you are still calling the ex names, then that’s more baggage than I want to deal with and in turn I would expect you to hit the decks if I was still openly angry at my ex.

I know that legal alcohol use kills more people than illicit and/or illegal marijuana use, but moderate/social alcohol use is fine with me, marijuana use is a deal-breaker. Been there, done that, tossed the t-shirt back.

I don’t mind taking advice from other people and constructive criticism can definitely help me for the better, so I’m open to what others have to say to me. I am not down with being told what to do and how to do it. Trying to boss me under the guise of “cuz I’m the man” and/or “you will respect my ah-thor-itaye!!” is a deal-breaker. I’m not helpless and I can take care of myself. I’m looking for a partner, not a father.

This list is a work in progress.

Add a comment February 21, 2011

Drama-Free or Drama-Lite


Drama-Free or Drama-Lite

I spend entirely too much time in my own head, thanks to working with my hands and in relative peace and quiet, at home and at work, daily.

I was working up a piece about being drama-free, but I couldn’t get the thought out of my head, through my fingertips and onto the computer monitor. It just would not shed light upon itself. So, I got to thinking about what I even meant to say and realized that I do want some element of drama in my relationships, just not the kind of drama that I’m used to cropping up, for instance, when a person says something like “actions speak louder than words, so judge me by what I do, not what I say” and then they screw up (action) and they say it will never happen again (words) and then you call them on it when it does happen again and they get angry at you for judging them by what they do, not just what they say (true story). That kind of drama sucks and I’d really really like to avoid it in the future.

The kind of drama that I miss is that twinge of insecurity that you feel in the beginning of relationship when neither of the parties are sure where each other stand or where the relationship is heading. That touch of insecurity when you have the urge to send the other person a text message or make a phone call and you ask yourself “should I” and you do, because you can’t help yourself. The flush of relief when the message is received and is thus reciprocated in a positive fashion. That’s the kind of drama that is so mind boggling, yet exhilarating, at the same time. I love it.

Just so we are clear, I don’t do sucky drama. I don’t act out. I don’t bring the tears or the yelling. When it’s not working, I just move on.

I am so looking forward to drama-lite, though; the honeymoon phase of every promising relationship. I am so ready…

Add a comment February 21, 2011

Moving Forward


Feb 17

There was a time that I thought that I could not imagine the idea of being alone; being single, possibly forever.

This past year hasn’t even been the longest time I’ve ever had a dating dry spell.

If I’m being truthful, I would even note that I’ve dated far more duds than I’d like to admit and the older I get the less tolerant I am of the duds I’m meeting.

I’ve considered giving up the whole kit and kaboodle and settling in for a life of perpetual cat-lady solitude except for the fact that I enjoy certain things quite a bit and unfortunately, no matter how much I may dislike the dating scene, the only way I am going to get certain needs met is by, at least giving the appearance of, being interested in dating.

That is probably the number one reason I am moving forward instead of pulling myself completely off of the dating market. Of course, I could get those certain needs met without actually dating, but the truth is, I don’t have the stomach to settle for less. I want something reliable and I just don’t see that happening in a casual relationship, so I have to aim higher, even if that means being single longer.

I would still rather be a perpetual cat-lady well into my 90s than be in a miserable relationship for any part of the coming week/month/year/decade. I’m just hoping it’s not a choice I have to settle for. I mean, I love cats, but not THAT much.

Add a comment February 21, 2011

I May Be Jaded But I’m Still A Sucker For Romance


Feb 16

So I keep waffling and fence-sitting on the dating issue.

I wade into the the dating pool to get the brush off or rather the whole “I’m just not that into you, but I wouldn’t mind sleeping with you” nonsense, I jump out of the pool and wade for the sharks to pass and then wade in, again.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

So, it’s to the point where I’m either all in or either all out of the dating game, but getting out of the dating game feels like giving up. On the other hand, staying in feels like a sucker’s bet; like I’m playing the lottery knowing that I have a better chance of getting struck my thundersnow than by the love bug.

But, just as I’m about to say %&^$ it, in regards to the dating scene, somebody I know and love falls in love and then “bam” they are in a lasting relationship, which gives me hope that maybe if I hold out just a little longer that I’ll meet someone special too. Sadly, I have yet to meet a man who wanted anything more serious than “friends with benefits”, since I have been on the dating scene for over a year.

In any case, I’m jumping in, again, with both feet and hoping for the best, even though I’m not so sure that this is really worth the effort. I did meet a couple of people on OKCupid, in the past, and they turned out to be married or still attached to somebody significant and that wasn’t what I was looking for then or now. But, I’m also hearing from other friends, on this site, that they have met and had successful connections, so maybe I just need to wade a little longer in the pool.

I have nothing to lose if I don’t get any nibbles, but then I also don’t have anything to gain if I don’t put myself out there.

So, here I am. Are you worth wading for?

Add a comment February 21, 2011

I’d Rather Be Single


.Single.

I wish I had more time to blog.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really have an audience, yet or because I am still trying to find my voice, but I really miss blogging like I did back in the day.

I don’t have the fire in my belly, anymore, about current events in the news the way I did back then. I do when I speak, publicly to people, but I don’t have the patience to put my thoughts and feelings into a blog post anymore.

It’s probably because my original motivation was my (then) husband and now that I don’t have anybody in my life who gives a crap what I think about current events, I don’t have the need to put my thoughts into a succinct format for all to digest, enjoy, and then share.

Actually, that is the one and only thing I miss about being married. The Ex and I had a shared love for political talk and he often asked my opinion on a multitude of subjects. I began blogging because he spent quite a bit of time overseas or away from home and blogging was a way for me to continue our conversations, even when he wasn’t around. My friends don’t share my same political views nor do they share my level of interest in politics or current events, so I don’t have anyone around to even help me formulate my thoughts or ideas on anything anymore.

It’s a blessing and a curse. I am enjoying my space. I like not having anybody taking up my time or energy. I like not having my blood-pressure raised because of disagreements (of any kind). On the other hand, I miss having someone around to debate with or learn from or to educate. I was naive enough to think that maybe, despite our marriage falling apart, that he and and I would always have that. I have to admit that I was heart-broken when I realized that we would never have another pleasant conversation, of any kind (unless there were witnesses around).

I guess it’s kind of a relief, though, that I don’t feel the desperation that I thought I would feel, this far from my divorce. I had this fear, and I almost fell into this trap, that I would suffer anxiety about being alone and that I would date anything that batted his eyelashes at me. After several failed relationship attempts and having to remind myself that I didn’t get out of a crappy marriage to end up in shitty relationships as a single girl, I finally got the message that I didn’t need the bullshit, even if I really did want a man in my life. It sucks that I had to give up dating, but it would suck worse if I were in a crap relationship out of desperation.

In any case, the further I go being single, the easier the road seems. The things that I thought that would drive me crazy for craving them, have subsided (i.e. sex, foreplay, dating, kissing, cuddling, companionship). Sure, I think about those things and there are fleeting moments where I long for those things, but I have gone from being mentally and emotionally obsessed with having those things to being resolved to be happy without those things.

It’s probably the new job, but I feel as good now as I have in a long time. I used to think that feeling came from being in a romantic relationship, but I am neither intellectually, emotionally, nor romantically involved with anyone, so the feelings that I feel are from love of self rather than love of someone else and that makes me feel a sense of pride and also a sense of ease. Though I would like to have somebody to love, I am proud that I have stood my ground and not settled for less than I deserve in a mate and I am more at ease with being single and alone and the fact that I do not feel lonely, anymore.

I have noted a downside to being this single and that is going to cause a problem for me in the future. I hate driving and I have an extreme fear of driving long distances. I suffer from bouts of anxiety when I have to drive anywhere outside my current city limits. Last year, I actually stayed in a relationship for far too long in order to have someone to drive me to the rendevous point for me to drop off/pick up the kids with The Ex. This year, I don’t anticipate having that problem so my new problem is not just driving with the kids to the drop off point but driving home and back all by myself. The only person I could get to go with me, my oldest son, works on the days that I have off, so he is out. Now I understand what might have motivated The Ex to get married so quickly (he has a bad back and can’t drive for more than a few miles at a time). So, I have to admit that finding a boyfriend or a battle buddy to help me with driving duties, this summer, is kind of weighing heavy on my mind. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t anticipate that I will meet anyone to fill the void, so it’s time for me to start getting my head on straight about driving long distances alone.

Bummer. Story of my life, though. When I act desperate and wear my drama queen hat, I have no trouble finding a man…any man…to rescue me. Since I am determine to find a man on new terms, using my strengths rather than my weaknesses, it has been impossible to meet anyone worth my while and I’m not going to settle just because I need a wing-man for my summer road-trips to/from Kansas.

Truthfully, I am having a blast doing my crochet and my knitting and working my new job and hanging with my kids. It could be worse. I could be single AND unemployed.

I’d rather be single. 😉

Add a comment February 2, 2011

Happily Single and Still Fabulous


if it werent for carbon14 i wouldnt date

Image by tantek via Flickr

I think I have found the edge to this blog: Single and Loving it (or something to that end)

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had sex in a while and I haven’t met a single man worth giving the time of day to, much less the goodies to, but I am actually enjoying being single.

For a while I was motivated by the idea that “they” say, as a single mother (particularly as a black single mother) my motivation should be to find a husband. Even though I had decided nuptials were out the question, I wasn’t against finding a good man to shack up with in a marriage-simulation or common law marriage. But, after so many dating and hook-up fails, trying to find “the one” is no longer worth the effort (or the embarrassment or the frustration).

For a while I was motivated by the idea that I may never have sex again. I enjoy sex. A lot, when I’m having it. But, I got bored of the “hit it and quit it” mentality of so many men that I keep meeting. It was depressing, actually. Truthfully, I learned the hard way, that was all they were looking for, when they disappeared (for good) the next morning (and that’s if they stayed that long). I might add that it didn’t matter whether sex happened on the first date or on the 5th. I eventually decided that sex was off the table, even for discussion, in the early days of dating and soon, my phone stopped ringing and in fact, hasn’t rung for several months, with the exception of a few idiots who weren’t sure they read the memo correctly.

Basically, I practice my own version of “no wedding no womb” with less emphasis on the “wedding” part (THAT is NEVER going to happen for me again) and most emphasis on the “womb” part. Of course, technically speaking, I am done having babies (five pregnancies was enough, thanks), but for me the “the womb” is actually my vajayjay. So my actual motto, as it pertains to dating and sex is, “No Commitment, No Vajayjay” or (NCNV, if you will). I will have to date a guy for a long time and see that he is committed to a serious relationship with me (without the benefit of sex) before he will get the goods.

Which is why I am single now. I keep refusing to put out, even when the guy is someone I have been hot for for a long time. That, and the fact that lately EVERY single guy (I wish I was exaggerating) that I have met, who has asked me out (either via my online dating profile or in person) has been married. I’ve said this before, because I’m polyamorous, that should not technically be a deal-breaker, all by itself. But it is if their spouse is not polyamorous … oh and I want to meet the Mrs. to be sure all parties are on the same page. I’ve had many of these men say, what I do is my business and then I remind them that a) if their spouse shows up on my doorstep, then it becomes everybody’s business (no thank you) and b) I don’t sneak around with anybody and if you have to be on the down-low, then go find yourself a down-low woman and c) I want someone to come home to me, I’m not interested in competing with somebody else’s wife, I want to be somebody’s somebody.

On another note, I date the rainbeau and I gotta tell you, I have met jerks of many stripes, races, and cultures. It makes me wonder what the hell is in the water these days. If a guy is single, he seems to think that women should just appreciate the fact he wants to f&ck her (gee, thanks). If a guy is married, he actually feels the same way. What the hell?

Thinking of all this and then thinking of my wonderful new job and my wonderful new hobby, I realized that I actually enjoy being single.

I got hit on twice, this week. Both married men. I should have been flattered, but realized that I was fed up with meeting men that were not emotionally or physically available hitting on me and implying, with their flirting, that I should be grateful for their attention. I was approached by one single man, but he is not mentally stable and he is homeless; not in any way a suitable match for me. Plus, some guy that my mother tried to set me up with was calling me and using a stern tone of voice to try to get me to call him back; like Walter Cronkite calling and telling me that I would be missing out on a good thing (him) if I didn’t call him back, soon. I hope you aren’t surprised to learn that I deleted the message and did not call. I certainly don’t appreciate being bossed and I really don’t appreciate being bossed by someone who assumes that just because he’s got Mom’s seal of approval that I “have to” listen to him (no thanks, I’ll pass. NEXT!).

We’ll talk about how I don’t trust my mother or her tastes, another day. This same woman tried to pimp me out when I was 16…(yeah, a very long story for another day).

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

It actually got me thinking about actually telling men that I meet that I am no longer dating. Period. End of story.

I really enjoy being single. I thought that I would crave and miss the sex and that I might find temptation every time I met a man I was attracted to. But, seriously, I don’t crave nor miss it. Since I’m focused on finding a commitment, when I meet a man, I listen to and watch him very closely before I even get to the part where I am undressing him with my thoughts. The minute he makes some sort of sexual innuendo type comment, he’s completely off of my radar because I know right then and there, the only thing on his mind is something that is not even on the menu. Since I can’t offer him the appetizer he seems to be requesting, I find a gentle way to shoot him down and then move on.

I thought that I would miss being around a man and having his attention. But, truthfully, not having a man around means that I have more time for my knitting and crocheting; my new favorite time-consuming hobby. It also means that I get to go to bed when I feel like it. I can go to bed early without it implying I’m ready for sexy-time or I can stay up late playing games or doing my crafty-time without it implying that I don’t want to be touched. My time is my own and I don’t have to drop everything because “he needs” right now. The only needs that matter are mine and my children and when the kids are not around, I have a lot more time for the things that I enjoy.

I have always been able to find my happiness or at least feel comfortable in my own skin. But, these days, I swear that I feel as happy now as I have ever felt being in a relationship. I do not miss being in a relationship, I honestly could take it or leave it. I would much rather be this happy and alone than trying to make a relationship work (note the operative word being “work”…as a mother and as an entrepreneur, I have enough of that, in spades. It’s time for me to relax and enjoy what’s left of my youth, now).

Yes, I’m jaded, but that’s actually a good thing. It’s helped me be more cautious about the relationships that I do get into and it’s helped me avoid drama over the past 6+ months.

Yes, all my fabulous friends are married, but I’m happily single and STILL fabulous and honestly not looking to change a damned thing (either the single part or the fabulous part)!

Add a comment January 26, 2011

Too Much Time On My Hands To Think


Laundry is hung to dry above an Italian street.

Image via Wikipedia

I have always used the task of doing laundry as the place and space in which I think about and work out issues that concern me.

I might fret about my kids or about my (then) husband, or map out a plan for one of my many (semi) successful businesses.

Laundry is a chore many people dread, but I look forward to it. Now that I work at a laundromat and one of my tasks is washing and folding laundry, I have a lot of time on my hands to think.

One thing that occurred to me is that I really do not want to be in a serious relationship, right now.

Despite moaning a few weeks ago about not having a sex life. I realized that the longer I go without it, the less I miss it. I don’t have anyone around me reminding me of that fact, so there is no pressure in my life to “put out” at this time and I’m not looking to “get any” either.

I used to be part of an interracial dating group (black women who endorse the dating of men outside the black community) but there was far too much focus on marriage. I’m down with supporting women who want that, but I’m not down with the idea of marriage myself. Getting bombarded with that message day in and day out was making me agitated, so I disconnected from that group.

I have zero intention of ever getting married, again. I learned my lesson well, the first time. In my thinking time I realized that I really don’t care whether other people can appreciate my thinking on the matter or not (many will encourage me not to let my bad marital experience discourage me from trying it again). The way I see it, dating is a cheap way of finding out if a person is right for you. Marriage is a very expensive way to find out that a person is all wrong for you. The main reason many people marry is for religious reasons. Since I am not religious, marriage is not a personal imperative and since I don’t wish to go through the financial turmoil of another divorce, marriage is off the table (unless it’s for insurance purposes; can’t get health insurance unless married and even THAT is a stretch). But, I am still very open to finding a long-term dating companion who sees the marriage question in the same light as I do.

I get very annoyed at people who try to tell others (particularly, single girls like me) that they MUST do several things in order to catch a mate. Never mind all the advice is superficial and likely things that require expensive upkeep and may not be an option for everyone. Such as suggesting that black women with locs or twists put their hair in a wig to trick attract a man. Or suggesting that she wear make-up, even if she doesn’t normally.

Maybe it’s my 40 years of life or 25 years of dating, but trying to lure attract a man by changing superficial things about you might get you a date, but if you want to keep the man, you’ll have to continue with the games facade if you want to keep him. One thing I have learned, without a doubt, men do not like when you flip the script from the woman they fell for. In fact, the quickest way to turn a man off (besides your tears) is to come off as Ms.Weezy when you’ve been playing Beyonce for awhile.

I’ve tried to pull off Beyonce and I was successful, until I got tired of that role and wanted to be seen for the real woman I am. When I tried to play the “love me or leave me” card, they all left…some trying to come back occasionally trying to play like maybe they did have feelings when it was obvious they were no longer interested since they knew there really was no Beyonce underneath the mask. I realized that, although playing dress up is fun, playing dress up all day every day to keep a man (who turns out, ain’t worth it) can be a lot of work and a lot of times it just ain’t worth it. I’m trying to attract someone real, someone sincere, so it behooves me to be someone real, someone sincere (and save the dress up for very special occasions).

Last night, I even tried to convince myself that maybe I was just fighting against the tide. I went and played dress up with my wigs and was not pleased with the results. The wigs themselves are in excellent condition, but the woman underneath just wasn’t feeling it. I looked great in a couple of them, but as I looked at myself, I knew that I couldn’t take myself seriously. That was a sign to me that I am done with that phase of my life. I spent the rest of the evening working on head-scarf wrapping techniques. Those looks I can work with.

On the other hand, I’m not here to police how or why other people do things, only myself, so if playing dress-up is how you get your kicks, then more power to you. Just stay out of my kool-aid and telling me how to mix it. Thanks.

I am not every woman. I am only me. I may be identified by my skin color, or age, my marital status or my children, but it doesn’t define who I truly am. Truthfully, I don’t need to be defined. This is me. You’re welcome.

That’s enough rambling for one day.

We’ll do this again, soon.

Add a comment January 14, 2011

Extras & Goodies

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