Posts filed under: ‘atheism‘

Too Much Time On My Hands To Think

Laundry is hung to dry above an Italian street.

Image via Wikipedia

I have always used the task of doing laundry as the place and space in which I think about and work out issues that concern me.

I might fret about my kids or about my (then) husband, or map out a plan for one of my many (semi) successful businesses.

Laundry is a chore many people dread, but I look forward to it. Now that I work at a laundromat and one of my tasks is washing and folding laundry, I have a lot of time on my hands to think.

One thing that occurred to me is that I really do not want to be in a serious relationship, right now.

Despite moaning a few weeks ago about not having a sex life. I realized that the longer I go without it, the less I miss it. I don’t have anyone around me reminding me of that fact, so there is no pressure in my life to “put out” at this time and I’m not looking to “get any” either.

I used to be part of an interracial dating group (black women who endorse the dating of men outside the black community) but there was far too much focus on marriage. I’m down with supporting women who want that, but I’m not down with the idea of marriage myself. Getting bombarded with that message day in and day out was making me agitated, so I disconnected from that group.

I have zero intention of ever getting married, again. I learned my lesson well, the first time. In my thinking time I realized that I really don’t care whether other people can appreciate my thinking on the matter or not (many will encourage me not to let my bad marital experience discourage me from trying it again). The way I see it, dating is a cheap way of finding out if a person is right for you. Marriage is a very expensive way to find out that a person is all wrong for you. The main reason many people marry is for religious reasons. Since I am not religious, marriage is not a personal imperative and since I don’t wish to go through the financial turmoil of another divorce, marriage is off the table (unless it’s for insurance purposes; can’t get health insurance unless married and even THAT is a stretch). But, I am still very open to finding a long-term dating companion who sees the marriage question in the same light as I do.

I get very annoyed at people who try to tell others (particularly, single girls like me) that they MUST do several things in order to catch a mate. Never mind all the advice is superficial and likely things that require expensive upkeep and may not be an option for everyone. Such as suggesting that black women with locs or twists put their hair in a wig to trick attract a man. Or suggesting that she wear make-up, even if she doesn’t normally.

Maybe it’s my 40 years of life or 25 years of dating, but trying to lure attract a man by changing superficial things about you might get you a date, but if you want to keep the man, you’ll have to continue with the games facade if you want to keep him. One thing I have learned, without a doubt, men do not like when you flip the script from the woman they fell for. In fact, the quickest way to turn a man off (besides your tears) is to come off as Ms.Weezy when you’ve been playing Beyonce for awhile.

I’ve tried to pull off Beyonce and I was successful, until I got tired of that role and wanted to be seen for the real woman I am. When I tried to play the “love me or leave me” card, they all left…some trying to come back occasionally trying to play like maybe they did have feelings when it was obvious they were no longer interested since they knew there really was no Beyonce underneath the mask. I realized that, although playing dress up is fun, playing dress up all day every day to keep a man (who turns out, ain’t worth it) can be a lot of work and a lot of times it just ain’t worth it. I’m trying to attract someone real, someone sincere, so it behooves me to be someone real, someone sincere (and save the dress up for very special occasions).

Last night, I even tried to convince myself that maybe I was just fighting against the tide. I went and played dress up with my wigs and was not pleased with the results. The wigs themselves are in excellent condition, but the woman underneath just wasn’t feeling it. I looked great in a couple of them, but as I looked at myself, I knew that I couldn’t take myself seriously. That was a sign to me that I am done with that phase of my life. I spent the rest of the evening working on head-scarf wrapping techniques. Those looks I can work with.

On the other hand, I’m not here to police how or why other people do things, only myself, so if playing dress-up is how you get your kicks, then more power to you. Just stay out of my kool-aid and telling me how to mix it. Thanks.

I am not every woman. I am only me. I may be identified by my skin color, or age, my marital status or my children, but it doesn’t define who I truly am. Truthfully, I don’t need to be defined. This is me. You’re welcome.

That’s enough rambling for one day.

We’ll do this again, soon.


Add a comment January 14, 2011

Happy New Year: No Resolutions For Me, Thanks.

[resolution revolution]

Image by RHiNO NEAL via Flickr

In 2010, I quit smoking, lost 20 lbs, gave up shitty men, and got rid of toxic relationships (well, as many as I could). I did every one of those things without first declaring, on New Year’s Eve, to resolve any of those issues.

In fact, many of those things took very little effort accept forethought. For instance, my finances got very tight in the spring, I was looking for ways to cut back expenses. First on the chopping block? Cigarettes and junk food. I tried to go back to smoking when my finances got a bit better, but found it took me two weeks to smoke two packs of ciggies (yes, two weeks!). That was all I needed, to be certain that I was ready to quit for good. Granted, I may light up some day in the future, but I usually only stress about cigarettes when I want to do something self-destructive and that is the only former vice I have that doesn’t require me to involve another person, per se (such as running to the club and sleeping with the first man who winks at me). The urge to smoke usually passes after I sleep on it for 24 hours.

Giving up junk food essentially helped me lower my caloric intake. Trust, I didn’t work out or do anything special other than quit eating. Plus, since I didn’t work an outside job most of the year, I didn’t eat a lot of take out, either. I still indulge a chocolate compulsion or a taste for something salty, but I no longer keep junk or soda around the house and I don’t go out of my way to eat take out unless someone else is paying or unless it’s been a long day and I won’t be home anytime soon. In any case, I’m somewhat proud to state that I am now two pants sizes smaller than I was in 2009 and I own blue jeans that don’t have an elastic waistband and they don’t look like “mom jeans”.

Giving up shitty men was a no-brainer. I got tired of being treated like shit, so I gave up the men that were causing me to feel like that. End of story.

Giving up toxic relationships was a little harder, but I still did it. Sadly, some of those relationships were with family and some of those relationships were with people who were long time friends, but it was time to make a change and add more positivity to my life, that meant the negativity had to go.

All that and not one single resolution made in, well, EVER. I don’t make resolutions. As far as I am concerned, January 1st is just another day on the calendar, like Boss’ Day or President’s Day. New Year’s Eve is great for a party because everyone is celebrating, but otherwise, this date holds no special significance.

I know too many people who purposely wait until the beginning of every year to make the changes that they need to make RIGHT NOW. That makes absolutely no sense to me. If you need to make change, there’s no time like the present. Obviously, there are some exceptions to every rule, but why wait until the new year to fix old troubles?

Sure, there are a couple of things I would like to see happen for me in 2011, but otherwise, I don’t have a list of resolutions. Truthfully, most of the changes I wish to see in 2011 are not things that are in my actual control, such as “meeting a nice guy and settling into a pleasant relationship (or meeting a couple of nice guys and settling into a pleasant polyamorous relationship): I’ll take either/or. I wouldn’t mind “finding and keeping a decent job and being able to pay my bills with cash to spare for fun things for my family”. I also wouldn’t mind “having enough money to take care of my vehicle issues and buy my kids clothes, etc without always having to resort to the kindness of friends and strangers”. I am already doing everything that I can do to help these things along, unfortunately,they require the “help” of others (actually meeting a nice guy -or two AND who actually wants a real relationship with me, actually getting hired, and actually getting a decent income…).

Otherwise, in the new year, I’m going to keep it moving (like I’ve been doing) and I’m going to keep doing me (cuz that’s all I can do).

Happy New Year! I hope 2011 is far better than the last.

Add a comment December 31, 2010

Woo-Free Sunday: Atheist Life vs Religious Life

How is atheist life better than religious life?

Add a comment October 24, 2010

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