I Know It’s Not Cool To Say So, But I Hate Being Single

December 3, 2010 DizzyDezzi
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I know, in this modern age of self-esteem and loving yourself more than you love others, it’s supposed to be ultra-progressive if you don’t really care about being in a relationship; that the default is that I’m supposed to be proud of being single and independent.

I call bulls**t.

I got divorced, not because I wanted to be “single and independent”. It was because I was unhappy and I knew that moving to Timbuktu would make me miserable and thus make our life together more miserable than it already was. I used to like my ex as a human being (the divorce and its proceedings changed all that) but, I did not like him as a husband. His passive-aggressive tendencies gave me pause on a daily basis, but I had my friends to escape with when things got bad enough for me to want to throw things. I knew that being stuck in the middle of nowhere with him would make both of our negative tendencies worse than they already were. My sanity and psychological, emotional, and physical safety were more important to me than keeping a marriage together that no longer felt like one, anyway (we were veritable roommates for several months before he got orders to Timbuktu).

It’s been just over a year and one month since my divorce was finalized. The Ex has already moved on and gotten remarried (marriage number 3, for him…I was his 2nd wife). I have not had anything truly resembling a serious relationship since our divorce. Sure, I’ve dated, but nobody I’ve met managed to get beyond booty call status; they weren’t really looking for a girlfriend, just a “friend” with benefits. To add insult to injury, I tried to keep my foot in the dating pool, but then I started meeting men who would ask me out, then stand me up.  I eventually had to pull my foot out of the dating pool because it was f**king with my head.

Just because I’ve stopped “formally” looking; that is, since I’ve taken myself off of online dating sites and stopped going out clubbing (I love dancing, how else to meet a guy who loves my kind of music and who loves to go out dancing, right?), it does not mean that I have given up on finding love.

I really could use someone in my corner who I can curl up with and cry to, someone who will tell me it will be alright and maybe help me by finding productive ways to prove that. It sucks crying myself to sleep every night, after a bad day. I miss having somebody touch me (yes, in “that” way) with sincerity. I miss hearing those three little words and I miss feeling them, too. I miss somebody calling me “theirs”, not out of possession (like The Ex used to do) but out of pride (because he feels like HE’s the lucky one).

I’m happy for all my friends and loved one who have recently become engaged or married. But, it would be nice to be happy for myself, for once.

I’ve been without love in my life for more than a year and that’s almost more depressing than being without a real job for more than a year. Having the double whammy of no job and no love is a very hard pill to swallow on a daily basis. Although, I really do need a job, having someone to love is almost more important to me (almost…I REALLY do need a job). I really hope that I am not forced to go another 365 days without either, especially love.

I know it’s not cool to say so, but I hate being single.


Entry Filed under: blah blah blah,dating,divorce,relationships

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Harleyq2  |  December 17, 2010 at 5:52 am

    I believe the older a woman becomes the more she understands the need for an intimate relationship. Maybe age starts to teach us that we are not all that and the “I don’t need anyone” kind of independence is greatly overrated.

    • 2. DizzyDezzi  |  December 17, 2010 at 6:18 am

      Thank you for dropping by my blog, Harleyq2.

      I would tend to agree with you. Especially when you have “been there, done that”.

      I’m not religious, but I really appreciated your post: http://singlechristanwomen.wordpress.com/2010/12/15/one-can-be-a-terribly-lonely-number/

      I can relate to it now in the context that my dearest and closest friends are all married, so being around them during “family outings” can be very uncomfortable. There was a time, when I was religious that, like your friend you alluded to, I felt like I would be better off “disappearing”. I was going home by myself every night and I was always the first person called by the church to volunteer for activities because I was single. I felt that a lot of the times that I was being taken for granted.

      I felt like that in my marriage, but it was the man, I resented, not the things that I was doing for him and I miss not being able to do those things with somebody special, now.

      No man is an island, right?

      I’m trying to stay positive, though and keeping it moving and staying busy, but in my own way and although I have my moments, I’m doing pretty o.k. :^)

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